The Abridged Gospel of Matthew

1:1. This is how Jesus was born:

1:2. There was a bunch of generations since Abraham,

1:3-17. Yup a whole bunch, like 40 people,

1:18. And then, God-but-like-as-a-Ghost got some woman pregnant,

1:19. And her husband was smart enough to keep her hidden away in a cave, out of his home and out of public view.

1:20. But then an Angel told him the truth in a dream; that it was God- so he doesn't even have to hide her away after all!

1:21-23. "In fact", said the Angel, "The child will have superpowers! I know this is hard to believe, but the proof is that someone else predicted this a long time ago- that a young woman will give birth to a child, and they'll name him something fancy!"

1:24. Suddenly, Joseph woke up, and trusted this dream as fact, so he allowed Mary to re-enter the home once again.

1:25. Joseph didn't touch her until that kid was born.

2:1-2. When this kid was finally born, some old guys showed up, asking for "The new king", saying that they saw some star or something.

2:3-4. When the actual king heard this, he got pretty mad. He gathered up all his smart friends and asked them when shit was going to go down.

2:5-6. They told him, "In the little town of Bethlehem, near that one star. Didn't you hear? ‘O Bethlehem, you're not that bad, because a king will come from your general area.'"

2:7-8. Then the real king had his magicians guess when the star would pop up, and sent them to go look, so that he could send "gifts."

2:9-11. They got the hell out of there, and followed the star until it stopped right above that magic child's head. They were super psyched, and when they barged in the house, they saw the mother with the child. They gave the gifts.

2:12. Those magicians had a dream and the idea to maybe not return to the evil king, so they didn't.

2:13. When the magicians left, Joseph had another vision warn him that the king was going to kill him & his family; so that he better hurry up and get to Egypt until he sees another vision

2:14-15. Joseph got the hell out of there and stayed hidden until the king died.

2:16. When the king realized the wisemen betrayed him, he was ticked. He ordered all friends under 2 in Bethlehem to be killed.

2:17. Somebody called that shit, *again*

2:18. Damn.

2:19. When the king died, Joseph had a vision, just like the Angel said he would.

2:20. "Now, leave for Israel. It's show time."

2:21. Joseph was like, "K."

2:22. At least until he heard who the new king was, and he was like, "Screw that, I'm heading somewhere else."

2:23. He went and chilled in a little city called Nazareth, just like those guys called.

3:1. [Fade to Black- Change of Scene- Fade to Forest] There was a preacher and prophet named John B.,

3:2. And he called this whole Jesus guy coming a mile away,

3:3. Just like somebody had called him coming a while ago, too

3:4. John B… was a bit of a.... Straggler.

3:5-6. But, everybody and their neighbor was going to him, because he was showing people the light!

3:7. Apparently not everybody was totally cool though.

3:8-12. He was totally passive aggressive and technically agreed to help everyone but threatened them that God was going to burn them up if they didn't change.

3:13. Then the main friend Jesus himself went to go see this John B. fella, to be shown the light, too.

3:14. When he asked to be baptized, John B. was like, "What the hell, do you even know who you are?"

3:15. Jesus was like, "You don't understand, it's deep as shit, just do it."

3:16. John B. was like, "Alright", and then suddenly, it was like a movie scene, with lights coming from the sky and Jesus started flashing and it was pretty intense.

3:17. Then, the clouds said, "This is my Child, who is really awesome and cute."

4:1. Then, Jesus had a feeling he needed to go on a soul-searching mission

4:2. He survived for over a month with no food.

4:3-4. One day, he was tempted to break his fast, but realized you could eat God's words instead.

4:5-6. Then, he was tempted into going to the capital, by the devil himself, to prove himself as the Child of God,

4:7. But Jesus said, "Come on, you know it doesn't work that way."

4:8-9. Then the devil took him up to a mountain, and showed him a totally serene peaceful view, and was like, "Doesn't this look sweet? Don't worry about going to help others, just stay here and chill with me!"

4:10. Jesus was all like, "Just give it up, I will not eat your eggs nor your ham,"

4:11. Satan was like, "Hey, you can't blame a guy for trying", and got the hell out of there, and the angels stepped up.

4:12-16. Then Jesus heard John B. got arrested, so he went to relax by the ocean.

4:17. From this point on Jesus said, "Watch your backs, Jesus Christ is coming to town."

4:18. Anyway, as Jesus was walking down the road, he met two siblings who were fishers, called Peter and Andrew.

4:19. "I'll show you how to catch souls instead of fish," Jesus said, and they thought it was such a sick pun it convinced them to follow him.

4:20. The fishers just literally left everything where it stood and was like, "Heck yeah!"

4:21. Soon, he saw 2 more brothers, named James Z. and John Z., who left their father Zebedee to go with Jesus.

4:22. And he caught them too- they just like up and left their families without very many questions at all.

4:23-25. Jesus walked from town to town, preaching wisdom and healing people. He got pretty famous and healed some nasty shit. Tons of people came to see him.

5:1. When Jesus noticed all the people around, he had to go up on a mountain in order to talk to everyone

5:2. Listen to this shit, he said

5:3. "If you're poor, but nice, you'll be taken care of.

5:4. If you're sad, you'll be taken care of, too.

5:5. If you're humble, you'll win.

5:6. If you try to do the right thing, you will.

5:7. You get what you give,

5:8. If you have pure intentions, you'll "get it" eventually,

5:9. If you strive to make peace, that's what I'm about,

5:10. And if you fight for what's right, then you're about as good as it gets.

5:11. People don't understand, they'll talk crap.

5:12. But that's not the point.

5:13. You guys, you guys are neat. As long as you stay neat. Cause if you don't, we'll throw your ass out, too.

5:14. Otherwise, hey, you are bright and lovely. If you wish to share that with people, you must make yourself available and open.

5:15. You don't light a candle and hide it; you set it out to light the room.

5:16. In the same way, let your light shine and inspire others; so that they may see light as well.

5:17. Alright, I'm not saying the Ancient Law never existed, I'm saying this shit is part of it too.

5:18. The law will literally always be the law

5:19. If you ignore some of that shit, you're a jerk; but if you got it all, you're good with God.

5:20. And, yes, heck yes, even the teachers of the law need to do better.

5:21. Everybody knows killing is bad.

5:22. But even thinking about it is dangerous.

5:23. So, if you are about to go try to talk to God but got some issues with some people.

5:24. Get that shit straight first, then go do it.

5:25. Do it before it gets out of control,

5:26. Or you'll pay the price.

5:27. Everybody knows cheating is bad.

5:28. But if you're out there wishing for something better, that's just as bad.

5:29-30. Oh, what's that? You have a problem with keeping your hands to yourself and being creepy? Cut off your body parts. Yup. Better that than do whatever you were going to do.
[st]
Divorce[st]

5:31. Everyone knows that if you want to divorce your wife, you should give her a formal paper.

5:32. Ho-ho, but nope- ANYONE who divorces their wife (unless there's cheating involved) is guilty of cheating themselves. Anyone who marries any sort of divorced person is guilty of cheating, too.

5:33. Everyone knows not to break an oath,

5:34-36. But hey, I'm saying to not make them at all.

5:37. You can say yes or no without making a show of it.

5:38. Everyone knows it's fair to get even.

5:39. But, I'm saying that's not the smartest. If somebody hits you, let them hit you again.

5:40. If somebody wants to steal your shirt, give them your coat, too.

5:41. If someone forces you to help them for an hour, help them for two.

5:42. Give to those who ask, and don't say no if someone wants to borrow from you.

5:43. Everyone knows to love your family and hate your enemies.

5:44. You guessed it- nope! Pray for them, too.

5:45. You are both children of the same earth, of the same rain.

5:46. If you only love your own family and greet only your own neighbors; that means nothing; even most fucked up people do that.

5:47-48. Therefore, be like God. Be perfect… perfect!"

6:1. "Don't be a dick and do something like only giving to others when people are watching.

6:2. And don't brag about it, either.

6:3-4. God will know the truth.

6:5. Don't be a showoff and pray in the streets,

6:6. Keep that shit secret,

6:7. And keep that shit short,

6:8. God already knows.

6:9-13. Instead, try this shit on for size:
O' Big Daddy Poppa,
Bring your love and peace to earth,
And take care of us all,
Please forgive us and help us forgive others.
If you can, make this shit as easy as possible,
Pretty please. Thanks!

6:14-15. Make sure you're actually forgiving other people though, or else God won't forgive you.

6:16. If you fast, don't look all sad and stuff. Be cheery.

6:17. Put oil on your head & wash your face,

6:18. So that you won't look… like… that.

6:19. Do not keep a shit ton of stuff. It will get destroyed or stolen.

6:20. Wisdom & knowledge & spiritual shit can't get destroyed or stolen.

6:21. That's where your heart & treasure is.

6:22-23. What you pay attention to determines your state of mind. If you focus on good things, good. Focus on bad? bad.

6:24. You cannot serve both God & money.

6:25. Look, in general, don't worry about shit.

6:26. Nothing else in nature worries like humans do. They do okay.

6:27. Seriously though- what good does worry do?

6:28. Look at these cute little flowers. They don't worry about how they look.

6:29. Yet they are cuter than even Solomon himself.

6:30. If that's what God makes the little, tiny flowers look like- imagine how cute you are!

6:31. So really, don't worry about looks, or clothes, or food.

6:32. That's what noobs do.

6:33. First look for the light, then you'll have all you need.

6:34. Do not worry about tomorrow, there's always time to do that tomorrow."

7:1. "Do not judge, or you will be judged, too.

7:2. The same shit you look down on others for, will be held exactly the same against you.

7:3. Why do you see that little smudge on your friends' window and act like yours aren't covered in shit?

7:4. How can you say to them, "Yeah, let me get that", when yours aren't even clean enough to see out of?

7:5. You dummy, clean your own shit first, then help them if they want it.

7:6. And, by the way, if your own window IS clean, don't expect others to look out a dirty window and see it that way, too.

7:7. If you have a vague conception of something you're going after, you'll find exactly that.

7:8. Everyone who asks; gets it; everyone who looks; finds it; and if you knock, it will answer

7:9-10. Think about it- any jerks out there give their kid a stone when they ask for bread?

7:11. That's what I thought! And God is fucking awesome so imagine what they've got for you.

7:12. Treat others the way you want to be treated.

7:13-14. Take the hard road.

7:15. Watch out for fakers. They seem nice but want to take advantage of you.

7:16. To figure out if they are a faker, look at their personal life and how they treat others.

7:17-20. For a metaphor, a good tree bears good fruit, a bad tree bad. That's how you tell.

7:21-23. You can't just talk the talk. You got to walk the walk.

7:24. If you hear this wisdom, and apply it to your life, it's like someone building their house on a foundation of solid rock.

7:25. When shit goes down, nothing happens.

7:26. But if you don't, it's like building on sand.

7:27. That shit gets swept away."

7:28. Jesus was all like *mic-drop*, and the crowd was speechless

7:29. "This fucker sure spoke truth," they all thought to themselves and nodded their heads in agreement.

8:1. Jesus walked down the mountain, and tons of people followed him.

8:2. A sick man knelt before him, and said, "Please heal me, if you want to."

8:3-4. Jesus said, "Heck yeah, as long as we keep this our little secret."

8:5. A warrior came to Jesus, asking for help for his servant,

8:6. "He's paralyzed!" the warrior explained.

8:7. Jesus said, "He needs help? I'll come over and heal him."

8:8-9. The warrior said, "Uhm, the house is a mess, can't you just do it from here? Like, I'm a warrior, and I command men from afar, can't you do the same with God and stuff?"

8:10-13. Jesus was like, "Damn, you really think I'm the shit like that huh? I can't say you're wrong. I'm going to help lots of people, you know, not just the cool kids. They are healed if you believe they are." So, yeah, the servant was healed.

8:14. Jesus went and saw Peter, and saw his mother-in-law was sick.

8:15. He healed her.

8:16. He healed tons of people.

8:17. They called this shit a long time ago.

8:18. Jesus saw a crowd gather around, and he told them to cross to the other side of the lake.

8:19. A teacher said, "I'll follow you anywhere!"

8:20. Jesus said, "Shit even I'm not sure where I'm going."

8:21. Another said, "Hey Jesus, uh, can I go bury my dead father first before we go?"

8:22. Jesus said, "Nah, just let them lay there."

8:23. So he got in a boat.

8:24. And a huge storm hit, but Jesus was taking a nap

8:25. The people awoke him saying, "Dude! We're going to die!"

8:26. He said, "Come on, you know who you're messing' with?" He waved his hands and the storm calmed.

8:27. They were all like, "WTF?!"

8:28. Jesus was walking down the road, when two wild demons appeared who were terrorizing the road.

8:29. "What are you going to do, punk?!"

8:30. Jesus looked at the pigs that were feeding nearby.

8:31. The demons begged Jesus, "Please put us in the pigs!"

8:32. He was like, "Done." They zoomed into the pigs, then all the pigs ran into a lake and drowned. All of them.

8:33. The farmers who owned the pigs went and told the town.

8:34. The town asked him to leave. Immediately.

9:1. Jesus got the hell out of there and went home.

9:2. Some men dragged a paralyzed friend to him. Jesus said, "You are forgiven by God."

9:3. Some naysayers said, "You can't speak for God!"

9:4. Jesus said, "What point are you even trying to make?

9:5. What's the difference anyway?

9:6. If God always forgives, all you have to do is say that to someone. Watch- yeah, you're healed. Go Home."

9:7. The man did.

9:8. The crowd saw this and flipped out

9:9. Jesus saw me, Matt, a taxman, and said, "Come on, let's leave." We did!

9:10. While eating at my house, other tax people and all sorts of jerks came to eat, too.

9:11. Everybody started gossiping. "Why are you hanging out with losers?" they said.

9:12. Jesus said, "Only someone who is sick needs to go to the doctors' office.

9:13. Listen up, noobs. Be chill with everyone, stop taking this so seriously. I'm not here to reward the goody perfect people who think they're doing everything right. I'm here to help those who need it."

9:14. "How come you guys get to eat, and we don't?"

9:15-17. "Because I'm God and I'm in the house!"

9:18. A super important person walked up to them, "My daughter has just died. Will you bring her back to life?"

9:19. Jesus silently stood up and started walking. Everyone followed.

9:20. Then a woman with a pretty serious medical condition came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak.

9:21. She mumbled to herself, "I only need to touch it, then I'll be healed."

9:22. Jesus turned and saw her. "Yes, my child," he said, "your faith has healed you." And by-golly the woman was instantly healed.

9:23. But, yeah, then eventually Jesus got to the dead girls' funeral.

9:24. He said, "Go away. The girl is not dead, she's just sleeping." But they all laughed at him.

9:25. He chased them all outside anyway. He then went back in and just held the girl's hand. She then just sat up like nothing was wrong, probably pretty confused.

9:26. Everybody heard about that shit.

9:27. Jesus started to leave, but he heard two blind men calling out his name, pointing to their eyes.

9:28. He went into a random house, and they followed. He asked them, "Do you really think that I am able to do this?" They replied, "Hell yeah, we're sure."

9:29. Then he touched their eyes and said, "We'll see about that…"

9:30. But, yeah, their sight was restored. Jesus held up his finger sternly, "Now seriously, don't fucking tell anyone or you'll wish you were blind again."

9:31. But nah, they went and told everyone.

9:32. Next, a man who was possessed by a demon and could not speak was brought to Jesus.

9:33. Jesus fucked that demon up, and the man who had been unable to speak, finally spoke. The crowd was blown away and people were all like, "No one has seen shit like this before!"

9:34. But the religious leaders said, "Nah, he only controls demons because he IS a demon. Duh."

9:35. Anyways, this was all just the START of Jesus going on a little healing tour of the country

9:36. He felt sorry for them, in a good way, because he thought of them like lost little puppies

9:37-38. Then turned to his disciples, "There's so many hugs to give, so little time. We better fucking hope with all our hearts that people catch onto this shit and start giving out hugs too."

10:1. Back at camp with all 12 disciples, Jesus came up with a plan. He drew a bunch of lines on a map and told them what areas to cover. He taught them how to fight demons and heal sick people and all sorts of cool stuff.
[Freeze frame as the narrator begins to speak in a voice over]

10:2. So I'm sure you're wondering who everyone is. This is Simon (or Peter, as we call him). He's bros with Andrew, just like James and John are brothers.

10:3. There's also Philip and Bartholomew. They're pretty chill. Of course, there's Thomas. Don't forget Matthew- that's me- the tax collector. Let's see… there's also James A. (a different James) and then there's Thaddaeus.

10:4. Oh, there's also another Simon (he's a bit crazy sometimes.) Which leads us to Judas Iscariot. All I can say about him is… Just keep an eye on that guy. You'll see.
[End freeze frame]

10:5-7. Jesus spoke aloud, "Remember. We're going to talk to people who are religous first. Tell them that shit is going down!"

10:8. "Also, I gave you these sick powers so you could go use them to kill demons and be a badass holy necromancer like me. IF you're not going to use them, just give them back now.:

10:9-11. "No need to take any money or pack a bag. Wherever you go, just bum it with a cool looking person, you know?

10:12. As you enter the home, be cool.

10:13. If they're chill, hang out a while and contribute to the vibe. Otherwise, just get out of there.

10:14. If they don't want to listen to you, leave them the fuck alone without being a fuckin weirdo about it

10:15. (Trust me I'll be the one to fuck them up)

10:16. Now. I'm sending you out preaching love and light and shit. People aren't going to like that off the bat. Watch your ass and don't make a scene.

10:17. Because you are going to piss everyone off

10:18. Kings are going to be like, "say that shit to my face."

10:19. And when they do, don't worry about what to say. Just let it flow.

10:20. Let me do the talking through you.

10:21. Everyone is going to be fighting

10:22. Especially fighting you. But if you hold them off, I'll come save you in the nick of time.

10:23. But really though, if it's just not happening in a certain place, just find another. There is no way you 12 losers are going to reach EVERYONE before I die- uh I mean before uh the big plan happens.

10:24-25. Seriously, look at what they say about me and how they treat me. And I can back my shit up. If they call me evil, what will they say about you?

10:26. Just let the haters hate, the truth will come out eventually.

10:27. All this shit I'm telling you now- go tell it to everyone who will listen.

10:28. Don't be afraid of people who will try to kill you. They can only kill your body. God, though? He'll destroy your fucking soul.

10:29. Yup. God kills fucking everything when it's their time, and only when it's their time. Even fucking bugs, that bastard plans out every single life.

10:30. He even chose exactly how many hairs to put up on your little head.

10:31. So don't worry, you're more valuable than bugs. Shit, you're more valuable than a bunch of them. There's a plan for everything.

10:32. So yeah, if you all go out and get my back in front of other humans, I'll get your back in front of God

10:33. But if you diss me in front of others, I'm going to snitch on you to God so hard, try me

10:34. Listen, I didn't come to shake hands, I came to throw hands,

10:35. And get you all to throw hands against each other,

10:36. Yeah, I'm going to be a real homewrecker.

10:37. Love me more than your family, come on, do it. Prove it. I'm your family now.

10:38. Honestly, if you aren't going to do the time with me, don't even bother.

10:39. If you sacrifice your life for the greater good, you'll find true meaning. If you just chase meaning in the next biggest thing, you'll end up wasting your life away.

10:40. If someone is nice to you, they're nice to me, and nice to God, by extension.

10:41. After all, you get what you pay for.

10:42. Even if it's just a teeny cup of water for one of you guys.

11:1. Next, Jesus went to a town called Galilee.

11:2. Meanwhile, John B. was still locked up in prison. Even he heard about all the commotion. He sent a buddy to go talk to this fella.

11:3. The buddy got to Jesus and was like, "are you the real deal?"

11:4-6. Jesus was like, "What the heck do you think? Look around! The blind can see, the injured can walk, the sick are healed, the deaf can hear, the dead can walk, and everyone is talking about it. Go tell John. And don't stutter when you tell him, either."

11:7. They didn't really know what to say, but as they were leaving, Jesus asked them, "Seriously, what's so good about John, anyway? Was it because his butt is cute?"

11:8. Or were his clothes super fine? No, you go to Hollywood for cute butts and good fashion.

11:9. Then what did you go to see? Good vibes? Duh. And you got more than that, huh?

11:10. We all like predicted each other

11:11. Yeah for sure, John is the best shit in town, but where I come from, he'd be an average looser like you.

11:12. People try to break into heaven all the time.

11:13. Everything led up to John.

11:14. They thought he'd be called Elijah, and yeah, they're the same person, but nope, his name is John.

11:15-17. Listen up- People these days, huh? Whining like kids,
‘You don't like our music! We worked hard on that!'

11:18. They thought John was evil cause he was fasting all the time.

11:19. They think I'm a drunken slob cause, you know, I say fuck fasting. But the results speak for themselves!

11:20. Completely randomly, Jesus started cursing towns in which he had performed miracles, but they didn't change their ways after he left.

11:21. "Fuck you, Chorarzin! Fuck you, Bethsaida! Even the shittiest towns ever would have changed at least a little bit.

11:22. I'm going to fuck you up worse than I ever have anyone.

11:23. And don't think I didn't see you, Capernaum, you think you're going to heaven? Guess again! Thumbs down gesture Even fucking Sodom would have done better than you.

11:24. And I'm going to get you even harder than Sodom got it!"

11:25. Then Jesus said, "God, being honest- hiding the truth in children, and making the smart stupid was kind of funny."

11:26. "Seriously, good call."

11:27. "Daddy told me everything. No one knows me like Daddy does, and no one knows Daddy like I do. Unless I say so and introduce you."

11:28. "Do you feel like you need a good nap?"

11:29. "I promise, it's not hard, I'll show you and take it easy on you."

11:30. "Good vibes, love and light" peace sign

12:1. Jesus took his disciples through some random farms, and they just started picking and eating the food.

12:2. The guards saw this and pointed, "Dawww! We're telling! They're picking crops on Sunday! You're not supposed to work on Sunday! Gotcha!"

12:3. Jesus rolled his eyes. "What did David do when he was hungry?

12:4. He went right up into the temple and ate the holy bread that only priests are supposed to.

12:5. What about if you work at a church? Don't you then work on Sunday? Effing idiots.

12:6. There's more important shit than stupid rules.

12:7. If you knew what "Be chill with everyone, stop taking this so seriously," meant, you wouldn't be wasting both our time

12:8. I'm the fucking boss. I made- I invented Sunday."

12:9. Jesus kept on walking', straight up into town, into the temple.

12:10. There was a man with a broken hand. The guards pointed to him, and asked Jesus, trying to get him to break the law, "is it legal to heal on Sunday?"

12:11. He rolled his eyes again, "If your chariot wheel breaks on Sunday, are you not going to change it?

12:12. So then what about a fucking person? Use some Me-damned common sense. It's good to do good, even if it's on Sunday."

12:13. He turned to the man, "Let me see." It was healed.

12:14. The guards knew they had to kill this smart-mouthed rebel.

12:15. Jesus kind of caught the vibe they wanted to murder him, and decided to leave. A ton of people followed him, and he started healing all the sick people.

12:16. He warned them not to say a fucking word about it.

12:17. Just like an old prophet said he would.

12:18. "A good friend will come, yes, a good friend, such good friend. He will stand for justice.

12:19. But be quiet and calm about it.

12:20. He won't threaten you or put out your candles. But yes, he will win it all.

12:21. His name will inspire hope."

12:22. Then, a man who was possessed by a demon was brought to him. Jesus healed him, so that he could talk and see.

12:23. The people started to murmur, "Could this be the work of God?"

12:24. The guards spoke up, "No, it's clearly the devil who's doing this."

12:25. Jesus said to them, "Oh yeah? Well- if you think about it, ANY group who has members fighting against each other will surely collapse.

12:26. So even if I AM the devil out here fighting demons, it's still going to make Hell collapse.

12:27. And- IF I AM out here fighting demons with the power of the devil, then who do you use to fight demons with? Doesn't that mean you also use the power of the devil?

12:28. What, are you just scared that I'm doing it for real? God is in the house!

12:29. Need more proof? How would you expect me to be out here smack-talking Satan, if I didn't already mess his face up? Watch him try to do something."

12:30. "You all are either with me or against me. Which is it?

12:31. You all can fuck up in a lotta ways, but cursing things that are good is kind of fucked up

12:32.  Look- I myself can take a lot of shit. But if you're going to sit here and deny good and truth and love and light- seriously? Go fuck yourselves. Forever.

12:33. A healthy tree makes lots of healthy, juicy fruit. A bad tree makes few, dry fruits. The value of the tree is recognized by its ability to make fruit.

12:34. You snakes, you're just full of shit, talking shit. Speech reflects what's on the inside.

12:35. A good person does and says good things that make things better; a bad person does and says bad things which make things worse

12:36. One day, the words you put out into the world will come back to you and give back to you what you put out. Just watch.

12:37. They may save your ass, or they may bite you on the ass."

12:38. Then a bunch of people were like, "Alright chill out, fine, but can you like give us a sign or something?"

12:39. Jesus was like, "A sign? are you fucking kidding me? A sign? Are you all like 4 years old? Fucking watch this shit then…

12:40. I'm going to fucking die for 3 whole days

12:41-42. I'm better than a whole lot of other teachers that others in the past have learned from, and you all still can't fucking get it, asking' for a sign and shit. Fucking hopeless losers.

12:43-45. Every bad habit you quit with force is replaced by 7 that are even worse.

12:46. While Jesus was going off inside, his mother Mary showed up outside, along with his brothers.

12:47. Someone saw, and ran inside up to Jesus, just to let him know, "Your family is here, wishing to speak with you."

12:48-50. Jesus said, directly to the camera, "My family? This is my family. Fuck those other guys out there. Do what God-Daddy says and you can be my family, too."

13:1. Later on that day, Jesus had a little stroll down by the lake shore.

13:2. So many people gathered around, Jesus had to use a boat to get a little personal space. They all watched from the shore. He started to lay down some fucking truth to the masses!

13:3. "So, a farmer went to plant some seeds. He started just fucking tossing' them everywhere.

13:4. Some seeds fell on the sidewalk, and the birds fucking started eating them all. So that was useless.

13:5-6. Some seeds fell in the gravel, and they sprouted quickly, but they were just tiny little baby plants that weren't able to grow big roots and died quickly too. So, they were useless.

13:7. Some seeds fell into the grass, which just got cut down when it was mowed, so they were useless too.

13:8. But- some- yes some- fell into the garden- where they grew to produce 100s more seeds each."

13:9. Damn that's deep.

13:10. His friends were like, "Why are you always talking in mysteries and stories and stuff?"

13:11. "Well," he said, "It's like hiding shit in plain sight.

13:12-15. If you're ready to listen and find out, it's been here ready for you the whole time, and will be easy to pick up once you learn to contemplate and listen. But if you don't want to contemplate and listen, then you will think this is foolish and not waste your energy. It will fly over your head, along with all the blessings.

13:16. Thank God you guys aren't that dumb though.

13:17. Many others were.

13:18. Still, I'm going explain that little farmer story.

13:19. If someone hears about how cool I am and doesn't care, that's like the seed on the sidewalk.

13:20-21. The seeds in the gravel represent people who might initially think I'm pretty cool, cause everyone else does, but they don't actually see the truth, and if questioned, they would just as easily sway the other way.

13:22. The seeds in the grass refer to someone who thinks I'm really cool, but thinks other things are more cool than me.

13:23. But! The seed falling in the garden represents someone who thinks I'm really cool, and truly understands why I'm cool. They do many, many, many good things with their life."

13:24. Jesus told another story. "This time, we have a smarter farmer. He planted all good seeds, and only in the garden.

13:25. But while he was sleeping, some pranksters came and threw a bunch of weed seeds in the garden (not the fun kind of weed, either, the bad kind)

13:26. When the wheat first popped up, the weeds did also.

13:27. The butler said, "I know you only planted good seeds. Where did all the weeds come from?"

13:28. "I bet it was those darned kids." the farmer said. "Should we pull out the weeds, do you think?" the butler asked.

13:29. "Nah, I don't think so, you might accidentally fuck up some the wheat, too.

13:30. Just wait until it's almost time to pick everything. Then, we'll pick all the weeds at once, and burn them all, before picking the wheat."

13:31. One more; "Think of a little tiny mustard seed.

13:32. "It's like really fucking small. But it grows into a huge tree that birds come chill in."

13:33. Yet another, "God works like yeast, you mix it in, and wait for it to rise on its own."

13:34. He told a whole bunch of stories.

13:35. "I'm great at telling stories, about a whole bunch of things, since the beginning of all time."

13:36. After the crowd left, his closest friends followed him into the house. "Hey, wait, what was going on with the weeds story?" they asked.

13:37. He answered, "Well, that's me, I'm the farmer.

13:38. The field is the world, obviously, duh, and the good seeds are good people. The weed seeds are bad people.

13:39. The devil is actually the pranksters. The "harvest" is at the end of time, and the workers in the field are angels.

13:40. As we fucking burn all the evil people, it will signify the end of time.

13:41-43. I will send out angels, and they will fucking murder all the bad people. They will be thrown into a fire, where they will scream and cry, and all the cool folks will be shining like a Goddamn star."

13:44. God is like a well of oil found on a property. When someone found it, they kept it secret and sold everything they had to buy the property.

13:45. Or, you know, like maybe some super rare car or trading card or painting or something.

13:46. If you find one of great value, sell everything you have and buy it."

13:47. "Or like a net used to catch fish.

13:48. Keep the good fish. Get rid of the bad.

13:49. This is what I'll do to you guys, separate you like you're good and bad little fish.

13:50. And throw the bad ones into a fire, where we'll listen to them cry and scream and we'll just laugh."

13:51. "Got it, bud?" Jesus Asked.
"Yes", they said.

13:52. "Last one- promise- but now you see how every good teacher has to be like the ultimate hookup- able to get their hands on anything- new or old."

13:53. Jesus was finished with story time and left.

13:54. He now decided to go back home. He tried teaching in the temple there, and everyone was wicked confused.

13:55-56. "Isn't this little Jesus? Son of Mary and Joseph? With his little brothers and sisters? When did this shit happen?"

13:57. They got a little angry, and Jesus said, "I guess a prophet is welcomed everywhere except his hometown…"

13:58. Jesus said eff this and just left

14:1-2. The king heard about all this shit going down, and blamed it all on John B.

14:3-4. I mean, the king already hated him- he was already arrested because John called him out face-to-face for some weird shit.

14:5. The king really wanted to kill John but knew this would widely be regarded as a bad move amongst the people.

14:6-11. But one night, someone gave him a really sexy dance, and because it was in public and was a big royal deal, it put him in a tight spot, and he had to do it.

14:10. He ordered John B's head cut off anyway.

14:12. John's disciples buried the body and went to tell Jesus.

14:13. This made Jesus really sad. He went to sulk by himself, but a shit ton of people followed.

14:14.  He didn't mind though. He healed a bunch of people.

14:15. It started to get dark. The disciples suggested the crowd should hit the road before it got too late.

14:16. Jesus insisted they stay for dinner.

14:17. "Uhm… It's just… we weren't planning on 5,000 people over for dinner," the disciples said.

14:18. "What's the problem?" Jesus said.

14:19-21. Jesus started ripping bread in half, and it would just reappear. He fed all 5,000 people and had more bread left over than he started with.

14:22. Now, Jesus stuck his close friends on a boat, set them off, and made everyone else leave.

14:23. Then he got some quiet time for himself.

14:24. Later on that night, the boat got kind of far, and started to rock and sway.

14:25. But Jesus just straight up walked up to them.

14:26. "Fuck it's a ghost!" one of them thought

14:27. "Haha, boo! No, it's just me," Jesus said.

14:28. "Oh yeah? then make me walk on water, too," another said

14:29. "Fucking do it," said Jesus, and what do you know, he did.

14:30. Suddenly he looked down and flipped out, and started crying out for help

14:31. "You know how to swim, dumbass, plus I'm right here."

14:32. Jesus pulled him up onto the boat

14:33. "Fuck! You are God," they all said.

14:34. They got to where they were going.

14:35. People recognized right away and started to gather around.

14:36. Jesus healed them all.

15:1. The guard started harassing Jesus & friends.

15:2. "Why aren't you following the rituals for eating?" They spoke.

15:3. "Why are you being a dick just to follow a ritual?" Jesus said back,

15:4-6. "I know what you all do. You give money to the church rather than help your parents. How is that honoring them?

15:7. You are predictable.

15:8. You speak empty words,

15:9. You have heartless worship, and make stupid rules,

15:10. Listen up!

15:11. Breaking the rules about what you eat doesn't make you evil, but what you say can certainly make you evil."

15:12. The disciples were like, "Burn!"

15:13. Jesus said, "Too bad. If they can't take it, they can't.

15:14. Forget them. They're like dummies teaching dummies things they don't understand themselves."

15:15. Someone was like, "Huh?"

15:16. Jesus was like, "Are you dumb or what?

15:17. Food is just food; you simply poop it out.

15:18. But everything you say comes from your heart one way or another.

15:19. That's where evil thoughts come from.

15:20. So rules about eating don't really mean anything, but what you say does."

15:21. Jesus got the hell out of there.

15:22. A woman asked him to heal her daughter.

15:23. Jesus ignored her, and the disciples were all like, "She's kind of annoying as heck, Jesus, can you heal her already so we can get rid of her?"

15:24. He said, "She's not religious though."

15:25. The woman was like, "Wait, what, please?"

15:26. He said, "Ha, you wouldn't feed dogs good food, they deserve dog food."

15:27. The woman was like, "Well, if you think about it, dogs eat the little crumbs that fall from the table."

15:28. Jesus was like, "Hey, fair point!" and healed her daughter.

15:29. They kept going and settled up in a little mountain

15:30. He healed more people.

15:31. People were eating it up!

15:32. Jesus wanted to feed them too

15:33. "But we don't have enough bread!" the disciples said

15:34-38. This time he fed 4,000 people and still had more bread left over.

15:39. He got the hell out of there to another spot.

16:1. Now more guards showed up to Jesus and wanted a sign.

16:2-4. "You guys are stupid. You can read the signs of the sky to know the weather but can't read the signs that are right in front of your face! You aren't getting anything, except seeing me die."

16:5. They got the hell out of there, and the disciples forgot to bring bread with them.

16:6. "Careful of that government bread," Jesus said for no reason at all.

16:7. The disciples whispered among themselves and assumed Jesus was mad because they forgot the bread.

16:8. Jesus overheard. "Are you all seriously worried about bread?

16:9-10. In the last two chapters I fed like 10,000 people with like 4 pieces, and we ended up with more bread left over.

16:11. I was speaking in a metaphor, "don't eat the government bread", get it?"

16:12. "Ah!!!" they all said together.

16:13. At the next spot, he asked his disciples, "Who are the people saying is the best?"

16:14. "Uh, some say John, or Elijah, Jeremiah, there's a few competitors out there."

16:15. "What do you think though? Who's the best?"

16:16. Peter answers, "You, you're like fucking God."

16:17. "Damn straight, and God himself told you that, not me or no one else.

16:18. You- my friend- you are going to take over all this shit after I leave.

16:19. You will know fucking everything."

16:20. Then he made them keep their mouths shut about this

16:21. That's when Jesus revealed the final stage of the plan: he was going to go stand up peacefully until they killed him- then he was going to come back to life.

16:22. Peter said, "Please no!"

16:23. Jesus was like, "Man, that's just emotions getting to you, chill out. Think about the big picture.

16:24. Honestly friends, if you're not willing to follow me, just leave!

16:25. Give your life for the cause, and you'll be a legend. Be a little coward and you'll lose your life.

16:26. What good would it do to get everything you ever wanted if it meant losing yourself?

16:27. At the end of it all, everyone will get what they deserve.

16:28. And some of you are going to be around to see it.

17:1. After a week, Jesus took Peter, James, and John up to a mountain.

17:2. "This isn't even my final form," Jesus said, and suddenly his face shone like the sun, and his clothes turned white

17:3. Suddenly, Moses and Elijah were there too, and the 3 of them were hanging out.

17:4. Peter offered to build 3 statues, one for each of them.

17:5. Suddenly a cloud started talking, "That's my son! Look at that beautiful bastard! And listen to him, too!"

17:6. The disciples fainted from fear

17:7. "Don't worry it's ok," Jesus said

17:8. They looked up, and everyone else was gone, just Jesus was left

17:9. "Keep this shit secret," Jesus said, "At least until I die and come back to life."

17:10-13. "John the Baptist and I fulfill ancient prophecies, just make sure to get that in there," Jesus said

17:14. They approached another crowd, and another man came up to Jesus

17:15. The man said, "I have a son who has seizures,

17:16. And your friends couldn't do shit about it!"

17:17. "You fucking kidding me? How long do I have to deal with your dumbasses? Bring him here."

17:18. Jesus snapped his fingers and the boy was healed

17:19. His friends were all like, "Why couldn't we do that?"

17:20. Jesus was like, "Because you didn't believe in yourself. If you believe in yourself just even a tiny smidge, you can do anything you want.

17:21. Well, as long as you pray and fast, too."

17:22-23. Jesus said, "They are going to take me, they are going to kill me, and then, I'm coming back to life!" His friends were sad.

17:24.  Next, some guards came up to Peter and demanded the fee for using the church.

17:25-26. "K," Peter said, and went to Jesus. Jesus was all, "That's kind of effed up. We're children of God. What kind of parent would charge their own kids to come home?

17:27. But let's not piss them off. Go catch a fish and look in its mouth for some money."

18:1. The disciples asked, "So, who are going to be the cool people in heaven?"

18:2-3. Jesus grabbed someone's kid, and pointed to their little face. He said, "You have to forget everything you know and start from scratch, just like this dumb little kid, if you EVER want to get into heaven,

18:4. And whoever does it best is coolest.

18:5. And whoever is nice to people like that is nice to me.

18:6. If you fuck with my friends, oh ho ho, you are going to come up missing,

18:7. Life's shitty, but if you make it shittier for others, you're fucked up

18:8. If you seriously can't learn to keep your hands and feet to yourself, just do yourself a favor and fucking cut them off

18:9. If you seriously can't learn to shut your mouth, just do us yourself a favor and fucking cut out your tongue

18:10. Don't be mean to people who don't "know" everything about me. They have angels watching over them.

18:11. I came to help everyone.

18:12. Seriously though- if you have a bunch of pets, and one gets away, aren't you going to leave the others at home and go for just that one?

18:13. And honestly- when you do find your lost little friend- aren't you just happier to see them than when you get back to the ones still at home?

18:14. In the same way, sometimes God reaches out in different ways.

18:15. Honestly, if you see someone doing something messed up, go and talk to them about it 1 on 1. Hopefully they'll listen.

18:16. But if not, find another trusted friend or two to help mediate.

18:17. But if they still won't listen, take it the church. And if they still refuse? Treat them as a stranger.

18:18. As above, so below.

18:19. If at least two people ask, "pretty please," God will do it.

18:20. Anytime there's at least a few people, I'll show up to the party.

18:21. Then Peter asked Jesus, "Honestly though- how many times do I need to put up with someone's shit? Like, 7-8, somewhere in there? Then I can knock their teeth in?"

18:22-35. Jesus laughed, "Try like 7 or 8 bagjillion! Seriously though. Imagine there was a Ruler who forgave a whole bunch of debt to a whole bunch of people, because they actually decided to be nice. Next thing you know, on the same day and everything, one of these assholes they just forgave is in court suing someone else for money, and the Ruler has to be judge of the case. What the fuck do you think they are going to do?"

19:1. Jesus got the hell out of there,

19:2. A bunch followed, and he healed them.

19:3. The guard appeared! They asked, "When is someone allowed to get a divorce?", trying to trick him.

19:4-6. "Uh, try- never?"

19:7. "Well Moses said-"

19:8-9. "I don't care what Moses told you. Divorce isn't a thing. Once you get married, that's it."

19:10. "Well, wait," even the disciples chimed in, "why get married then? That kind of sucks."

19:11-12. "Too bad so sad," Jesus said, "Some people don't want to, some people don't get asked to, and some are saving themselves for me. As long as you don't get divorced. Just the way it is."

19:13. People tried bringing their children to Jesus, but the disciples told them to get out.

19:14. Jesus said, "What the hell, guys?"

19:15. He healed them all anyway.

19:16. Then a man came up to Jesus, and said, "I'm ready! Make a list of everything I need to do to be a decent person."

19:17-19. "There's no list bud, just try to be cool. But what's that mean? Don't kill people, don't cheat on people, don't steal, and don't lie. Love your family and your neighbors."

19:20. "Well, fuck, I'm doing all that, but I'm not really, ‘getting it', you know?"

19:21. "Shit man, really that's it, but if you want to take it up a notch? Sell everything you have and give it to the poor, then devote your life to spirituality."

19:22. The man got sad, thinking of all his money, and left.

19:23-24. Jesus said, "Yeah, the rich are pretty fucked up. It's easier to fit my foot in a rich person's ass than for them to be a good person."

19:25. The disciples were like, "Shit, then who is a good person?"

19:26. "Those who ask God for help."

19:27. "But what about us?"

19:28-30. "We're alright." Jesus said, "So is anyone else who has my back, despite looking like a loser. Sometimes the biggest losers on earth are the coolest in heaven, and vice versa."

20:1-11. Jesus started explaining, "Alright, so think about this- imagine that there was a business owner with a sign that said they were hiring for $100/day. They took that sign and went early in the morning to the city and picked up a group of workers. He went at lunch and found another group, then before dinner, a third group. When the day was over, everyone was paid $100 for their work.

20:12. The ones who arrived earliest said, "Hey- that's not fair- they got paid more despite only working an hour!"

20:13-15. The owner said, "But really, that's not unfair- it's what we agreed on. Who are you to say what I can do with my money? Are you going to hold it against me that I was generous to them?"

20:16. Jesus summarized, "See, sometimes life can seem unfair, but it's not what you think."

20:17-19. Jesus said, "Alright, almost to Jerusalem. This is where they're going to kill me. It's not going to be pretty. But I'm coming back, baby!"

20:20-21. Then James and John Z's mother came up and asked for her sons to be the assistant managers of heaven.

20:22. "That's a big ask," Jesus said and turned to them, "Are you sure you're ready to go all in?"
"Yeah, guess so," they said.

20:23. "Alright, but it's not really up to me. I'll put in a good word, though."

20:24. The other disciples got all grumpy.

20:25-28. Jesus was like, "You've seen plenty of messed up rulers, but my friends not going to be like that. The best positions are going to be given to the best servants. That's what I'm doing- I'm the best servant of Heaven, ever, bitches! Even giving away my life and shit."

20:29. They started leaving, and a bunch of people followed.

20:30-34. Wouldn't be a chapter in the Gospel of Matthew without healing someone! (It was two blind men this time.)

21:1-7. Jesus made his disciples steal a donkey because he wanted to ride into Jerusalem with style

21:8. The crowd welcomed him and made a makeshift road of rags and leaves

21:9. A lot of people ran ahead, singing out Jesus' name and other things

21:10. Most the people who lived there though, didn't really know what the hell was going on, what all the ruckus was abot.

21:11. The crowds let them know what has happening though

21:12. Jesus burst into the church and threw out all the merchants on their butt. He tossed over the banker's tables and knocked over the people selling doves.

21:13. "This is supposed to be a church, you asses, not some fucking pyramid scheme."

21:14. He then healed a bunch of people

21:15. Children started running around saying, "Jesus is God!" and that pissed a lot of the guard off

21:16. The guard asked Jesus, "Do you, uh, you hear what these kids are saying? Are you just going to let them say that about you without denying it?"
And Jesus said, "Do you, uh, did you ever hear what your holy books say? That God inspires praise from children?"

21:17. Jesus was a little fed up and left the city for the night.

21:18. On the way back in the morning, Jesus was hungry.

21:19. He saw a fig tree, but it didn't have any fruit on it. He got pissed and destroyed it.

21:20. "How did you do that?" the disciples asked

21:21. "I already told you, just believe in yourself."

21:22. "If you believe, you'll get what you want."

21:23. Jesus entered the church, and the guard asked him, "Whose team are you on anyway? Who's your boss?"

21:24. Jesus said, "K, fine, I'll answer one of your questions if you can answer one of mine.

21:25-26. So, John B- remember him? What's his deal- was he lying?" The guards knew they were trapped- if they didn't think he was lying- that would mean they killed God's prophet. But if they stuck to the story and admitted they thought he was lying, then that would piss a lot of people off.

21:27. So they said, "We're not telling you", and Jesus said, "No duh, neither am I.

21:28-31. Know what I will tell you though? Imagine that a parent had two children and asked them both to go work in the field. The first said they didn't really feel like it, but ended up doing it anyway, later in the day. The other promised they would but did not ever end up doing it. Which of the two did right? The first one, exactly.

21:31. That's why losers are going to get into Heaven before you guys, who make empty promises and follow stupid rules.

21:32. John B tried to tell you, and you killed him. Not a good look.

21:33-41. Another story- Imagine a landlord sent his assistant to collect rent, and the tenant just straight up murdered them. Then again. And again. What's the landlord going to do? Fuck them up, that's right.

21:42. Don't you remember reading that "God will make the forgotten stone most important- and it will be fucking beautiful"?

21:43. If you can't play nice with having the kingdom of God, it's going to be taken away from you and given to someone who appreciates it.

21:44. I'm that fucking stone and I'm going to fucking smash you."

21:45. They weren't stupid, they knew he was talking about them

21:46. And they really wanted to arrest him, but they knew they were outnumbered by the crowd.

22:1-14. "Alright, now imagine this. You have a sick party planned, but all your "friends" are total dicks about it. You send out invitations to invite them, but they just make fun of you. But you still got this rad party, right? So, you invite a bunch of strangers. Everyone is having a good time, but you notice someone isn't dressed right. So, you beat the shit out of them and throw them out in the cold. That's how heaven is."

22:15. The guard concocted a plan to get him this time.

22:16. "Jesus, you're just so wise and perfect and shit, can you pretty please answer this one little teeny-weeny question?

22:17. Do you think it's right for your people to have to pay a tax to Caesar?"

22:18-20. "Ha, almost got me," said Jesus, "Let's look at this shit," he said grabbing a coin, "Who's face is that?"

22:21. "Caesar, duh." They said.
"Then yeah, Caesar can have it, it's his; but God has everything else. Duh."

22:22. They stomped their foot and sighed and left.

22:23.  Others gave him a try

22:24-28. "So- if someone dies, then their brother must marry the widow, correct? So, what if a bunch of brothers die in order? Whose wife is she in heaven?"

22:29-32. "That's kind of a dumb question. That's not how heaven works, there's no marriage in heaven. And let me guess- you don't believe in life after death at all, huh? Well, did you even read the book? God says I "AM" the God of ancestors, not I "WAS" the God of ancestors. Learn to read, dummy."

22:33. They walked away, too.

22:34. Word of the smack downs spread, and others got the idea to try.

22:35-36. One of them said, "What is the number one rule?"

22:37-40. "Just totally love God. That's number one. Number two is to love your neighbor as yourself. That's what it's all about."

22:41. "Now let me toss one back at you," Jesus said

22:42. "The Messiah- who's his Daddy supposed to be?"
"David," they said.

22:43-45. "But if David is the papa, then why did he call the Messiah "Lord" that one time? Does that make sense to you?"

22:46. They finally shut up.

23:1. Jesus said to the crowds and his disciples,

23:2-3. "The priests know their history, but do what they say, not what they do, cause they're little shits."

23:4. They're lazy as heck too.

23:5. And look kind of stupid

23:6. And like to be the center of attention

23:7. And looked up to

23:8. But not all of you, right?

23:9. You all don't look up to anyone except God

23:10. And listen to anyone except me.

23:11. The best servants will get promotions.

23:12. God likes people who are humble and will knock you down a peg or two if you're not.

23:13. Fuck the church! You make God hate us all, including yourself.

23:14. Fuck the church! You take advantage of old women and show off with how big and long your prayers are!

23:15. Fuck the church! You just convert people and make them twice as big a dick as you are!

23:16-22. Fuck the church! With your stupid loopholes that let you off the hook when you make a promise.

23:23-24. Fuck the church! Caring more about rules and rituals than justice and mercy!

23:25-26. Fuck the church! You wash your body and build new churches, but your souls are fucking nasty.

23:27-28. Fuck the church! You might be pretty on the outside, but dead inside- full of rotten gross, old bones. That just confuses people.

23:29. Fuck the church! You build all these nice pretty graves!

23:30. And you say- "If only it had been us back then, we wouldn't have committed all these atrocities like our ancestors!"

23:31. So you're willing to admit your ancestors did evil shit!

23:32. Keep going then! I dare you!

23:33. Think you can get away with it, fuckers?

23:34-35. You kill us and beat us, you are all responsible for all the good people that have ever died.

23:36. Yeah, YOU.

23:37-38. And this whole stupid city is stupid.

23:39. I'm fucking out of here."

24:1. Jesus left the temple.

24:2. His disciples said, "Look at all these cool buildings. You're going to fuck them all up!"

24:3. He found a cool place to sit. His disciples asked, "So what's the end of the world look like?"

24:4. Jesus said, "Stay alert, friends.

24:5. Lots of people will pretend to me,

24:6. And there will be lots of wars,

24:7. Big wars! Famines and earthquakes!