The Abridged Gospel of Luke

1:1-4. Quite a few people have tried to write about all this shit, but some people might be a little off. That's why I decided to write this.

1:5. Once upon a time, there was a priest named Zechariah with a wife named Elizabeth.

1:6. They were lovely innocent old people.

1:7. They never had any children because Elizabeth was unable to get pregnant.

1:8-10. One time Zechariah went into the temple to burn incense in the name of God.

1:11. An angel appeared to him.

1:12-17. He was a little afraid at first, but the angel said, "Do not be afraid- your prayer has been heard. You will have a son- and you should name him John. He will be an amazing little friend, wise and joyous and filled with the Spirit before he's even born. He will touch and help a lot of people.

1:18. "Are you sure?" Zechariah asked, "We're old and have never been able to have children before."

1:19-20. The angel said, "Are you kidding me? I am Gabriel- an angel of the Lord, and I have been sent to you. Of course I'm sure. Wanna doubt me? I just stole your tounge, you can't talk anymore."

1:21. The people outside the temple were wondering what was taking Zechariah so long.

1:22. When he came out, he was unable to speak, and they realized he must have seen a vision.

1:23. He returned home.

1:24-25. His wife Elizabeth became pregnant and was totally excited.

1:26-27. 6 months later, God sent Gabriel to Nazareth to a woman named Mary. She was married to a man named Joseph.

1:28. Gabriel said, "Hey there! You're so awesome! God is with you!"

1:29. Mary thought the angel was kidding or being sarcastic.

1:30-33. But the Angel said, "No, don't worry. You will have a son. You should name him Jesus, and he'll be really important and cool and powerful."

1:34. "I'm not supposed to be married for a while, yet. How can I have a kid now?"

1:35-37.  "It will be a miracle, just like your Aunt Elizabeth," the Angel said.

1:38. "Fuck yeah!" Mary said, "Alright, then!"

1:39-40. Then Mary went to go visit Elizabeth.

1:41-45. When Elizabeth heard Mary's voice, the baby jumped in her womb, and she started speaking with the Spirit, praising and congratulating Mary.

1:46-55. Mary said, "I give glory to God, and it gives me joy.
I know God is with me.
I know what good this will do.
God does good from generation to generation.
God has destroyed the proud, brought down rulers, and raised the humble.
God has given blessings to the hungry and emptied the rich.
God has remembered us who have remembered Them, and has honored and remembered their blessing and promise to Abraham."

1:56. Mary stayed for about three months and then went home.

1:57-58. Elizabeth gave birth to John, and everything went swell. Her neighbors and relatives came and visited, and everyone was happy.

1:59-60. When they went to name him, they assumed he was going to be named Zechariah after the father, but Elizabeth spoke up and said, "No, his name is John."

1:61. They were confused because that's not how names worked back then.

1:62-64. Zechariah, still unable to speak, wrote down, "That's right- his name is John", and then he was suddenly able to speak again, and started giving thanks to God.

1:65-66. These signs filled people with awe, and rumors started to spread about how powerful this child was going to be.

1:67-79. Zechariah started speaking with the Spirit and said,
"Thanks God, for these signs,
Thank you for freeing us from our enemies,
For blessing our ancestors,
And allowing us to serve you without fear.
You, my child, will be called a prophet, and will give people the knowledge of salvation through the forgiveness of God.
God is kind and merciful and is like a light shining from Heaven through the darkness to guide us."

1:80. John grew and became strong in spirit, living in the wilderness until he was ready to face the world.

2:1-5. One day, a census was issued, so Joseph had to go back home to Nazareth with Mary.

2:6-7. While they were there, she gave birth, and they wrapped him in clothes and put him in a manger because there was no room in the house they were staying at.

2:8-14. There were shepherds nearby, and angels appeared to them and told them to go see the magic baby.

2:15-16. They quickly left to go see and found Joseph and Mary and the baby like the angels said.

2:17-20. They saw for themselves, and told Mary about the vision, and told everyone in town, too. Everyone's mind was blown.

2:21. They named him Jesus like the angel suggested.

2:22-24. One day, Joseph and Mary took Baby Jesus to the temple to get blessed.

2:25-35. An old man saw named Simeon saw the Baby Jesus and immediately knew he could die happy because he was able to see Messiah.

2:36-38. There was also a prophet named Anna who called him the Messiah, too.

2:39. When they were done with the paperwork, they went back home.

2:40. Jesus grew up and grew strong, filled with wisdom and grace.

2:41. Every year, Jesus and his family would go to Jerusalem for the Passover Festival.

2:42-47. One year, when he was 12, he snuck away from his parents and stayed in the city when they left to go back home. They traveled for a whole day before they realized he was missing, and they looked for three days before they finally found him back in Jerusalem, sitting with teachers, listening and asking questions, amazing everyone with his answers.

2:48. His parents scolded him for scaring them.

2:49. Jesus said, "Didn't you know I'd be at my Parent's house?"

2:50. But this confused them, because they were his parents.

2:51. Still, Jesus shaped up a bit and when back home.

2:52. He grew further in wisdom and gained the respect of God and his peers.

3:1. This was the government at the time- there was Caesar, Pilate, and Herod. Annas and Caiaphas were high priests.

3:2. During this time, God came to John in the wilderness.

3:3. He went all around the country of Jordan, saying that if you actually changed your ways, God would forgive you.

3:4-6. As they called it before, "There will be someone yelling in the wilderness, ‘Prepare for the Lord! Straighten up the roads and mountains! All people will see salvation!"

3:7-9. John said to those coming to see him, "You snakes! Who warned you? Keep doing good things to show you've actually changed. Don't think it's enough that you are descendants of Abraham. God can make more children and is already cutting down the ones who do bad."

3:10. "What do we do, then?" the crowd asked.

3:11. John said, "Anyone with two shirts should share with someone who has none, and same with food.

3:12-14. Tax collectors and soldiers, treat your jobs with respect and don't abuse your position."

3:15. The people kind of started to wonder maybe if John was the Messiah.

3:16-18. But John said, "I only baptize with water. But someone who is more powerful is coming, and I am not worthy to tie his shoes. He will baptize with fire and the Holy Spirit. He is coming to gather the good and destroy the bad." John spoke for a while.

3:21. One of the people John baptized during this time was Jesus.

3:22. The Holy Spirit came from heaven like a dove, and a voice in the sky said, "You are my Child, I love you, you do alright."

3:23-38. Jesus was about 30 at this time, when he began his public ministry. Jesus was the son of Joseph, going back through David, Abraham, Noah, Seth, Adam, all the way to God.

3:19. One day John called out the king Herod because he married his brother's wife, and a few other bad things.

3:20. Herod locked John in prison.

4:1-2. Jesus followed the Holy Spirit into the wilderness, where he fought with the devil and fasted for 40 days.

4:3. The devil said, "If you are the Child of God, turn that rock into some bread to eat."

4:4. Jesus said, "You need more than food to survive."

4:5-7. The devil took him up to a mountain and showed him all the cities in the world. The devil said, "You can rule them all. Worship me, and it will be yours."

4:8. Jesus said, "Nah, I only worship God."

4:9. The devil said, "If you believe in God, then you can jump down from here, God will protect you right?"

4:10-12. Jesus said, "Nah, it's pretty stupid to test God."

4:13. The devil left and gave up for a while, waiting for a better time.

4:14-15. Jesus returned to Galilee and started teaching in the cities.

4:16-19. He went back home to Nazareth and went to the temple on the Sabbath. He read from the scroll of Isaiah, "The Spirit of God is with me and has chosen me to announce the good news to the poor, to free prisoners and the oppressed, and to help those see, to announce this year as the year God blesses."

4:20-21. He rolled the scroll back up and gave it to the priest and sat down. Everyone kept their eyes on him. He said, "Well, it's true."

4:22. A lot of people were amazed at his ability to speak, surprised it was coming from someone they knew as a child.

4:23-27. Jesus said, "A prophet is not welcome in their hometown, and yeah, sometimes they pop up in random places."

4:28-30. This made everyone angry, and they took him to throw him off a cliff, but he simply walked away.

4:31-32. Then he went to another town called Capernaum and began to teach. Many people were impressed.

4:33-35. In the temple, there was a man possessed by a demon, and Jesus exorcised the demon.

4:36-37. People were amazed and started to spread rumors.

4:38-39. Peter's mother-in-law had a high fever, and Jesus healed her.

4:40-41. Jesus healed tons of people, including sickness and demons.

4:42-44. Jesus tried to leave the town, but they stopped him. He told them he had to go to other towns, too.

5:1. One day, Jesus was by a lake and people were listening to him speak.

5:2-4. He hopped on the boat belonging to a man named Peter, and kept teaching. He told Peter to throw the nets in the water right there.

5:5. Peter said, "We haven't caught anything in this spot all day, but sure, if you say so."

5:6-7. They did, and began to catch so many fish their nets started to break, and when they got them onboard, the boats started to sink.

5:8. Peter saw this and fell to his knees praying.

5:9-10. Everyone, including his fishing partners John and James Zebedee, were totally amazed.

5:11. Then Jesus said to Peter, "From now on, you will fish for people." They all left and followed Jesus.

5:12-15. A man with leprosy asked to healed. Jesus did it and told him to keep it a secret, and only to only tell the priests. But he told everyone and everyone started to come see him.

5:16. Jesus often went to secret places to pray.

5:17-19. One day, Jesus was teaching in the temple when a paralyzed man was brought to him.

5:20. Jesus said, "Your sins are forgiven."

5:21. Some religious leaders said, "Only God can forgive sins!"

5:22-24. Jesus said, "Well it's true, pick up your mat, and go home."

5:25. The man stood up and prayed, and went home.

5:26. Everyone was amazed.

5:27-28. Next, Jesus saw a tax collector named Levi, and told him to follow him. He did.

5:29-30. Levi held a big party for Jesus, and lots of other tax collectors came to it. The religious leaders heard about this, and asked why he partied with sinners.

5:31-32. Jesus said, "It's not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I'm not here for the perfect, I'm here to help people change their ways."

5:33. They said, "Well, John's disciples often fast and pray, but yours don't. What's up with that?"

5:34-35. Jesus said, "Party when it's time to party- it'll be over soon."

5:36-39. He told a parable, "No one tears apart a new shirt to fix an old one. No one pours new wine into old containers, or else it will spoil. And no one wants to drink crappy wine after they drink good wine."

6:1. One Sabbath, Jesus was going through some fields, and his students began to pick and eat some grain.

6:2. Some religious leaders saw and pointed out it was forbidden to harvest food on the Sabbath.

6:3-5. Jesus said, "Don't you remember when David stole the bread from the priests? I am Lord of the Sabbath."

6:6. On another Sabbath he went into the temple and was teaching. He saw a man with a broken hand.

6:7. The religious leaders were there watching and waiting for Jesus to break the law.

6:8. Jesus told the man to stand up. He did.

6:9. Then Jesus said, "What do you think is lawful on the Sabbath? To do good and save a life? Or to do evil and destroy it?"

6:10-11. He looked out the crowd, then asked the man to stick out his hand. He healed him. This really pissed off the religious leaders. They started to discuss what they were going to do about him.

6:12-16. One day, Jesus went up to the mountains and called 12 as his chosen apostles. Their names were Peter, Andrew, James, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James II, Simon II, Judas II, and Judas Iscariot, the one who was a traitor.

6:17-19. He went down to be with a crowd of people who came to see him from all over. He began healing them all.

6:20-26. Looking at the crowd, he said,
"God bless the poor, they will inherit heaven,
God bless those who are hungry, they will be fed,
God bless those who are sad, they will soon laugh.
God bless those who are hated and excluded because of me.
Look forward to the day, and be happy, because you will be rewarded in heaven. You are not alone.
Woe to the rich, woe to the well fed, woe to those who laugh, woe to those who are falsely praised.

6:27-31. I say to those listening: Love your enemies, and do good for those who hate. Bless those who curse you, and wish well for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you one cheek, turn to them the other. If someone takes your coat, give them your shirt, too, and give to everyone who asks something from you, and do not demand it back. Treat others how you want to be treated.

6:32-36. What good is it to only love those who love you? Even the worst people do that. But love your enemies, do good things for them, and lend to everyone without expecting it back. That will show you are children of God. Be giving, just like God is giving.

6:37-38. Do not judge or condemn, and you won't be judged or condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and you will receive, as much as you give, you will receive.

6:39. The blind cannot lead the blind, or else they will both fall into a pit.

6:40. The student is not above the teacher, but when fully grown, will be equal to their teacher.

6:41-42. Why do you look at the speck in your sibling's eye, and ignore the plank in your own? First fix your own eyes, then you can see clearly enough to help your siblings.

6:43-45. No good tree gives bad fruit, and no bad tree gives good fruit. You can tell a fruit by it's tree. You cannot get fruit from thorns. A good person brings good things from their heart, and a bad person brings evil things from their heart. What someone speaks about is the same as what is in their heart.

6:46-49. Whoever listens to these words and lives by them will be like those who build their house on a solid foundation. Their house can endure a flood. But if someone builds without a foundation, their house will be destroyed."

7:1-8. Jesus moved on to the next town. There was a warrior with a sick servant. They sent out elders to go ask Jesus to come to the house. When Jesus was close, the warrior came out and said, "Hey, Lord, uh, the house is messy, and I'm not worthy to have you over. Can you just heal him from here, like I can give commands to people far away?"

7:9-10. "I have never seen such faith!" Jesus said and the servant was healed.

7:11-15. As Jesus was coming up to the next town, he saw a dead person being carried out of a house. The mother was a grieving widow, and it was her only son. Jesus saw and said, "Don't cry." He touched the man's stretcher and said, "Get up!" and he came back to life.

7:16-17. Everyone was blown away and started spreading the rumor.

7:18-20. Two of John's disciples ended up hearing about this and went to him and told him. He sent them back out to see if they were true, and if Jesus was the one sent from God.

7:21-23. They went to Jesus and asked while he was healing and fighting demons, so he said, "What do you think? The blind see, the injured walk, the sick are healed, the dead are coming back to life, and the poor are being taught. Bless anyone who walks in my steps."

7:24-28. The messengers left. Jesus said, "What did you go out into the wilderness to see? Dancing grass? No? Was it a man in a tuxedo? No one like that is in the wilderness. Maybe a prophet? Actually, yes! But more than a prophet- John was the messenger who knew I was coming. Of all living humans, John is the best, but he doesn't compare to those living in heaven."

7:29-30. Anyone who was baptized by John agreed, but that infuriated some other people who had not been baptized by him.

7:31-32. Jesus said, "This generation is like a bunch of children that are sad cause they're not getting the attention they want.

7:33-35. John fasts and doesn't drink, and so you say he has a demon. I come eating and drinking, and you call me a demon. But wisdom proves itself."

7:36-39. One of the religious leaders invited Jesus over for dinner. Jesus went. A sinful woman learned Jesus was in town, so she went to go see him with a jar of perfume. She cried and cleaned his feet with the perfume. The religious leaders saw this and said, "If Jesus really was a prophet, he would know that she is a sinner, and he wouldn't let her touch him."

7:40-42. Jesus answered by telling a story, "Two people owed money to a lender. One owed 500 dollars, and the other owed 50. If the lender forgave both debts, who do you think would be more appreciative?"

7:43. One said, "Probably the one with the bigger debt."

7:44-48. Jesus said, "Exactly. I came to your house, and you did not give me water to wash up, or any kisses, or any perfume. But she did. So, I tell you, her sins have been forgiven."

7:49. Seeing him forgive someone's sins surprised the rest of the guests.

7:50. Jesus sent the woman off in peace.

8:1-3. Then Jesus traveled from town to town talking about the good news of God. The 12 Apostles were with him, along with several women, including Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Susanna, and more.

8:4-8. Jesus told this story to a large crowd, "So, a farmer went to plant some seeds. He threw them all over the place. Some seeds fell on the sidewalk, and the birds started eating them all. So that was useless. Some seeds fell in the gravel, and they sprouted quickly, but they were just tiny little baby plants that weren't able to grow big roots and died quickly too. So, they were useless. Some seeds fell into the grass, which just got cut down when it was mowed, so they were useless too. But- some- yes some- fell into the garden- where they grew to produce 100s more seeds each."

8:9-10. "Wait, what?" his students said.
Jesus said, "I'll tell you the truth, but for others, I speak with these stories so that the meanings stay hidden."

8:11-15. "This is what it means," said Jesus, "The seed represents the word of God. Sometimes the devil takes the seed. Sometimes the seed just doesn't take root in the heart. Sometimes the seed is choked out by material desires. But for those who have a good, noble heart, the seed is able to take root and grow.

8:16-18. No one lights and lamp and hides in it a jar or under their bed. But they set it out to light the room. There is nothing hidden or concealed that will not be revealed and known. Whoever has light and knowledge will be given more, and whoever doesn't will lose what little they have.

8:19-21. Jesus' mother and brothers came to see him but were blocked back by the crowd. Someone told him that they were here to see him, but he said, "My family is those who hear God and put it into practice."

8:22-24. One day, Jesus wanted to go on a boat trip across the lake. He fell asleep, and it started to storm. They ran to him, worried that the boat was going to sink. He woke up and yelled at the water, and it calmed down. "Where's your faith?" he asked.

8:25. "He even controls weather!" They said.

8:26-31. When they landed, he was met by a homeless, demon-possessed man from the town. He fell to the ground and begged Jesus not to torture him. Jesus exorcised the demon and asked it its name.
"We are Legion," the demon said, and begged not to go into the Abyss.

8:32-33. There were a bunch of pigs nearby. The demon begged to be put into the pig, and Jesus did. The pig ran into the lake and drowned.

8:34-37. The owners of the pigs told the townsfolk, and even though Jesus healed the man, they were still scared and asked him to leave.

8:38-39. The man wanted to be one of Jesus' students, but Jesus wanted him to stay in the city and tell everyone there.

8:40-42. In the next city, a religious leader fell at Jesus' feet and asked him to heal his dying daughter.

8:43-44. Jesus fought through the crowd, and a woman touched him and was healed.

8:45-48. Jesus wanted to know who touched him- and everyone denied it. But eventually the woman admitted it. Jesus said, "You're healed, go in peace."

8:49. Then someone ran up, and told the man with the sick daughter that she had just died- there was no point anymore.

8:50. Jesus said, "Just wait and see."

8:51. When he got to the house, only the parents, Peter, John and James, were allowed to enter. Everyone was crying, and Jesus told them to be quiet because she just sleeping.

8:52-56. They laughed at him, but he just said, "Hey, wake up!" and she did. Jesus told her parents to get her food, and they were surprised, but he told them not to tell anyone.

9:1-2. When Jesus gathered the 12 Apostles, he gave them the power to fight demons and heal disease, and then sent them out into the world to heal the sick and needy.

9:3-6. He told them, "Take nothing- no stick, bag, food, money, and only just one shirt. Only stay at one house per town. If people don't welcome you, just leave." So they did.

9:7-9. King Herod heard about this stuff that was going on- some were saying John the Baptist had come back to life, and others that Elijah or one of the other prophets had appeared, but Herod knew that he had had John beheaded, so he went to see what the truth was.

9:10-11. The apostles reported back to Jesus with some updates. They hung out in a small town, but soon people heard, and crowds came from all over to see. He gave them a warm welcome and taught and healed.

9:12. It was getting dark when one of the apostles mentioned it was going to be dark soon, and the people should leave to find food and shelter.

9:13-17. Jesus said, "Well, why don't you give them something to eat?"
They said, "We only have 5 pieces of bread and 2 fish, unless we go buy more food." There were 5,000 people there. Jesus told them to split up into groups of 50. Jesus prayed and began breaking the fish and bread, and there was enough for everyone to eat and be full. There were 12 basketfuls of bread left over.

9:18. Once when Jesus was alone with his students, he said, "Who is everyone saying I am?"

9:19. They replied, "Some say John the Baptist, some Elijah, or another prophet."

9:20. "But what about you guys? What do you think?"
Peter said, "God's chosen one."

9:21. Jesus warned them not to tell anyone.

9:22-27. Jesus said, "The one sent must be rejected and killed, then come back to life on the third day. Whoever wants to be my student and follow me must follow my example and conquer themselves, embracing sacrifice every day. Give your life for good, and you'll find meaning. What good is it to gain the world but lose your soul? Whoever is ashamed of me will be ashamed before God. I promise you- some of you standing here will the see the Kingdom of God before you die."

9:28-32. About 8 days later, Jesus took Peter, John, and James on a special trip up a mountain. As he was praying, his face started to glow and his clothes turned white. Moses and Elijah appeared beside him, also glowing. They talked with each other. Peter, James, and John all started to feel sleepy, but when they woke up they could see the 3 other men clearly.

9:33-36. As they were leaving down the mountain, Peter offered to build 3 statues, one for each Jesus, Moses, and Elijah. Before he could finish his sentence, the three of them were enveloped in a cloud, and they were scared, until they heard a voice say, "This is my chosen Child, listen to him." Then they looked around and Jesus was alone. They did not tell the other disciples when they got back.

9:37-40. The next day there was a large crowd. A man called out to Jesus, "Teacher, please look at my kid, I think he's possessed. He screams and foams at the mouth and its destroying him. I begged your students for help, but they couldn't."

9:41-43. "Those losers, when will they learn? Bring your kid here." Jesus said. The boy was brought, and he was thrashing around on the ground. Jesus exorcised the demon, and everyone was amazed.

9:44-45. Jesus said, "Listen close- I will be delivered into their hands." No one knew what he meant and they were afraid to ask.

9:46-48. The disciples started arguing which of them were best. Jesus took a little kid from the crowd, and said, "Whoever welcomes this kid, welcomes me, and whoever welcomes me, welcomes God. It is the least among you who will be greatest."

9:49. John said, "Teacher, we saw someone exorcising demons in your name and we tried to stop them because they aren't one of us."

9:50. "That was stupid," Jesus said, "Whoever is not against us is for us."

9:51-56. Jesus sent some messengers ahead of him, and a few towns were unwilling to welcome him. When James and John heard, they asked, "Do you want us to destroy their towns with fire from heaven?"
"Hell no!" Jesus said. They kept traveling.

9:57. When they were walking down the road, a man came up to him and wanted to follow him.

9:58. Jesus said, "Foxes have dens, and birds have nests, but I have nowhere to go."

9:59. He told someone else to follow him, but they asked to bury their dead father first.

9:60. Jesus said, "The dead can bury their own dead, but we're going to spread the presence of God."

9:61. Another said, "I want to go, but I want to say bye to my family first."

9:62. Jesus said, "No one who looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."

10:1. After this, Jesus chose 72 other students and sent them out in pairs of 2 to everywhere he was about to go.

10:2-4. He said, "There is much work to be done, and few workers to do it. Go on! I am sending you out as lambs among wolves. Don't even take a bag or shoes, and don't waste time stopping to talk to anyone along the way.

10:5-12. When you get to a house, bless it. If someone who supports peace is there, you will be welcomed. Stay there, and take what they give you. Don't go looking around for somewhere ‘better'. Heal the sick there and tell them God is coming. If they do not welcome you, just leave, but curse them. God will get them.

10:13-15. Fuck you, Chorazin, Fuck you, Bethsaida! You're goin' down!

10:16. Whoever listens to you, listens to me. Whoever rejects you, rejects me, and rejects God."

10:17. The 72 returned and said, "Lord, we can even beat up demons!"

10:18-20. Jesus said, "I saw Satan fall from heaven. I have given you the power to kill snakes, scorpions, and all powers of the enemy, nothing can hurt you. Do not be excited about the power, but be happy that you are doing good.

10:21. Thank you, God, for hiding these things from the smart and educated, but revealing them to little children.

10:22. All things have been given to me from God. No one knows the Child except God, and no one knows God except the Child, and those the Child shows God to.

10:23-24. Then Jesus spoke to only his students, "You are blessed to see what you see. Many people have looked for what you have found, but have not found it themselves."

10:25. One time, a religious teacher stood up and said, "What do I need to do to get eternal life?"

10:26. Jesus said, "What do you think?"

10:27. "Love God with your heart and soul and mind and Love your neighbor as yourself."

10:28. "Exactly," Jesus said, "Then you'll have eternal life."

10:29. "Who exactly is my neighbor?" The man asked.

10:30-36. Jesus told a story, "A man got attacked on the side of the road and was left for death. Later, a priest came by, but kept on walking. Someone from his own nation passed him by. But a stranger took him, bandaged him, and took him to an inn. Who do you think was a neighbor to the man?"

10:37. "The last one," the man said.
"Exactly, do the same," Jesus said.

10:38-42. Later on, Jesus stopped at the home of two sisters named Martha and Mary. Mary started listening to what Jesus was saying, while Martha kept working around the house. Martha asked Jesus to make Mary help her, but Jesus told her to chill out and let Mary continue to listen.

11:1. One day, someone asked Jesus how to pray.

11:2-4. He said, "God, your name is sacred,
Bring heaven to Earth,
Provide us with what we need,
Forgive us, as we forgive others,
Keep us safe from temptation."

11:5-8. Jesus said, "A good friend will get up in the middle of the night to help you.

11:9-10. Ask and it will be given, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened.

11:11-13. Which of you, if your kid asks for a fish or an egg, will give them a snake or a scorpion? If we're just mere mortals, and you know how to give good gifts, imagine how much better at gift giving God is!"

11:14-16. Jesus exorcised another demon, and people saw. They accused him of being powered by the devil. They wanted to see a sign of Heaven.

11:17-20. Jesus said, "Any team that fights against itself will fall apart. Why would Satan fight against demons? It would still be doing good."

11:21-23. It is good to be strong, but there is always someone stronger. Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not come together causes division.

11:24-26. When a demon leaves someone, it might leave for a little while, but it comes back with even more friends."

11:27. A woman in the crowd said, "Bless the mother who gave birth to you!"

11:28. Jesus said, "Blessed are those who hear God."

11:29-32. Crowds gathered around and said, "You all ask for a sign, but none will be given, except the ones like Jonah. I am wiser than Solomon with a more important message than Jonah."

11:33. No one lights a lamp and hides it. You leave it out, so it gives light.

11:34. Your eyes are the lamp of your body- when you see healthy, you are full of light. When they are unhealthy, you are full of darkness.

11:35-36. Make sure the light inside you is not dark. If your whole body is light, you will naturally be like a lamp."

11:37-38.  When Jesus finished his speech, a religious leader invited him over for dinner. He noticed Jesus didn't wash before the meal and made a big deal about it.

11:39-41. Jesus said, "There's no point in only washing the outside of the cup, when you're full of evil inside. Be giving to the poor, and everything in you will be clean.

11:42. Fuck the church. You might tithe and give to the church, but you neglect the justice and love of God. You need to do both.

11:43. Fuck the church, because you only care about front row seats and how much you fit in.

11:44. People walk all over you without even knowing it."

11:45. One of Jesus' students said, "Hey, you know, that's insulting to us as well."

11:46. Jesus said, "Well, you pushers of rules, fuck you, because you load people down with burdens they can't carry, and you won't help them.

11:47-51. You build elaborate tombs for the prophets you have killed. This generation is responsible for the death of all prophets, from Abel to Zechariah.

11:52. Fuck the church, because you have taken the keys to knowledge, refuse to enter yourself, and block others from entering, too."

11:53-54. Then Jesus went outside, and there were tons of guards there to question him and catch him in saying something wrong.

12:1-2. A crowd of a few thousand had gathered. Jesus said, "Watch out for the influence of the church, which is only hypocrisy.

12:3. There is nothing hidden that won't be revealed. What you've whispered in secret will be shouted from the rooftops in public.

12:4-5. Do not be afraid of those who can kill you, they can only kill your body. But God can destroy your soul.

12:6-7. Not even little birds are forgotten by God. God even knows how many hairs are on your little head.

12:8-9. Whoever has my back, I will have theirs before God. If you abandon me, I'll abandon you.

12:10. Whoever speaks bad against me will be forgiven, but be nice to the Holy Spirit.

12:11-12. If you are brought before leaders, don't worry about what you'll say, the Holy Spirit will teach you what to say at that time."

12:13. Someone in the crowd said, "Teacher, make my brother split our inheritance fairly!"

12:14. Jesus said, "I'm not that kind of judge.

12:15. Be careful and watch out for all kinds of greed. Life is not about possessions."

12:16-21. He told them a parable: "There was a rich farmer with tons of crops. He planned to build bigger barns, but then he died. Give away your shit and don't store it up.

12:22-24. So, yeah, don't worry about life or food or clothes. Look at the birds- they don't worry or have jobs, but they have food. And you're much more important than birds!

12:25-26. Worrying doesn't add any extra time to your life, so why do it?

12:27-28. Look at the flowers. They don't have jobs, either, but they are way cuter than even Solomon. So imagine how cute you are!

12:29-34. God takes care of everything, so don't worry. You will inherit Heaven. Sell your possessions and give them to poor, and make spiritual wallets that will never wear out. That is where your heart is.

12:35-40. Always be ready to do good and act in the name of God. The best friends and assistants are ready to assist no matter the time of day. The thief doesn't announce when they will come. The day of judgment will happen when you least expect it.

12:41. Peter asked, "Are you talking to us, or to everyone else, too?"

12:42-47. Jesus said, "I'm talking to whoever upholds my words even when no one is looking. Everyone has the opportunity to act right, and those who don't will be punished accordingly. Someone who intentionally disobeys their parents gets a harsher punishment than someone who doesn't know any better.

12:48. Those who have been given more will be asked of more.

12:49-53. I have come to set the Earth on fire, and oh, how I wish it were already burning! But alas, I still have to be baptized first. Do you think I've come to bring peace to the Earth? No, I bring division. From now on, families will be divided."

12:54-56. Jesus said to the crowd, "When you see clouds, you know it's going to rain, and when the wind blows from the south, you know it's going to be warm. How can you not read the signs of the time?

12:57-59. Why can't you do a better job deciding for yourselves what is right? Or else it might escalate all the way up the chain, and you'll be thrown in jail and you'll have to pay a fine."

13:1. Some people told Jesus about human sacrifices the Roman government was making.

13:2-5. Jesus said, "Do you think this happened to these people because they were bad people? Of course not! Stuff like this will happen to everyone unless you change your ways."

13:6-9. He told a story, "A man had an apple tree growing in his yard, but there was no fruit on it. So he said to his gardener, ‘Just get rid of the damn thing if it's not producing fruit.' The gardener asked for one more year, to fertilize it, and if there were no fruit next year, they would cut it down."

13:10-13. An old woman who could hardly move went to Jesus. He healed her, and she stood up straight and healthy and praised God.

13:14. The religious leader called Jesus out for this, saying there were 6 other perfectly good days to heal instead, and not to do it on the Sabbath.

13:15-16. Jesus said, "You hypocrite! Don't you even give your animals water on the Sabbath? Then why can I not heal this woman?"

13:17. Those who opposed him were humiliated, but everyone else was happy with the things he was doing.

13:18-19. Jesus said, "The kingdom of God is like a tiny mustard seed- when planted, it becomes home to hundreds of birds."

13:20-21. Jesus said, "The kingdom of God is like the yeast worked into dough."

13:22. Jesus kept traveling.

13:23. Someone asked Jesus, "Are only a few people going to be saved?"

13:24-30. Jesus said, "Many will try to enter the narrow door, and many will be unable to. Once the owner gets up and locks the door, everyone will be locked out. No matter how loud you cry, the owner will say they don't know you. There will be crying and terror for those locked out. Those who are last will be first, and those who are first will be last."

13:31. Some religious leaders came up to Jesus and told him that King Herod wanted to kill him.

13:32-35. Jesus said, "Tell that fool that I will keep on healing and fighting demons. If he wants to kill me, I'm headed to Jerusalem anyway- well known for killing prophets. I am going to unite the people there. Your own house will be left empty until you recognize he who comes in the name of the Lord."

14:1-4. One Sabbath, Jesus was having dinner at the house of a prominent religious figure. There was a sick man in the room. Jesus asked the others, the experts on the law, "Is it okay to heal on the Sabbath?" But no one answered him. Jesus healed the man and sent him away.

14:5-6. He asked them, "If any of you has a child or animal that falls into a well on the Sabbath, are you not going to help them?" They still had nothing to say.

14:7-11. When he noticed how everyone was fighting over the best seats at the table, he told them, "When invited to a wedding, do not fight for the best seat, or else you'll be humiliated when you're put in your place. Instead, take the lowest seat, that way you will be honored when you are moved up. All those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and all those who humble themselves will be exalted."

14:12-14. Jesus said to the host, "When you hold a dinner, do not invite those who will pay you back with material goods and invite you to their dinners. Instead, invite the homeless and sick, and you will be blessed beyond measure."

14:15. One of those around said, "Bless those who eat the feast of God."

14:16-24. Jesus said, "Someone was preparing a great dinner and invited many guests. But all of his guests came up with bad excuses why not to go. So the person decided to hold a dinner for the homeless and sick instead."

14:25-27. Jesus said to the crowds following him, "If anyone does not hate their family- they cannot be my student. Whoever does not carry their weight and follow me cannot be my student.

14:28-30. You should make sure you have enough resources to complete any projects you start, otherwise you'll like a fool.

14:31-32. A king should make sure their troops outnumber another's before war, or else declare peace.

14:33. Similarly, those who do not give up everything cannot be my students.

14:34-35. Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, it's worthless."

15:1-2. Jesus was hanging out with a bunch of tax collectors and hooligans. Some people criticized him, saying, "Look at these losers he hangs out with."

15:3-7. Jesus said, "Imagine you have a bunch of cats and one gets away. Don't you leave the others at home and go find the lost one? And don't you grab them up happily in your arms and celebrate? There is more celebration in heaven for one person who betters themselves than for 100 perfect people.

15:8-10. Imagine you lost some of your money in the house. Don't you search up and down for the money, and celebrate when you find whatever little amount it is? In the same way- heaven celebrates over one who is lost and is found.

15:11-32. There was a person who had two children. The younger asked for their inheritance, and the parent divided the money between them. The child went off and vacation and blew it all, and had to resort to getting a job working on a farm. He couldn't even afford food of the quality he was feeding the animals. Eventually he realized even his own parent's employees were treated better than this, so he went back to them, and apologized, and asked to be treated as a worker from the ground up. But the parent was extremely excited to see them, and ordered a feast, because they thought their child had been lost. The older sibling heard about this, and got angry, and refused to join the party. So the parent went looking, and the child said, "I've never disobeyed you- and you've never even thrown a little party for me. Why are you throwing a huge party for the child who has disobeyed you and ran away?"
The parent answered, "You have always been with me, and everything I have is yours. But now we have to celebrate, because your sibling was dead and lost, and now is alive and found."

16:1-2. Jesus said, "There was a rich business owner who accused his manager of being wasteful. The owner fired the manager.

16:3-4. The manager was worried because they had never had another job, so they decided to use their position to gain favor of those in their community.

16:5-8. They went around to everyone who owed their boss and cut them deals. The boss was actually not too upset about this, and they made themself some friends.

16:9. Use money to help others and gain friends.

16:10-12. Whoever can be trusted with a little bit, can be trusted with a lot. But if you're dishonest with a little bit, you'll be dishonest with a lot. So, if you can't even handle money and worldly resources correctly, why would someone trust you with spiritual, true riches?

16:13. You cannot serve two masters. You will end up liking one and despising the other. You cannot serve both God and money."

16:14. Some leaders, who loved money, heard this and laughed.

16:15. Jesus said, "You might be able to justify yourselves because of others, but God knows the truth, what is in your heart."

16:16. Jesus said, "The prophets delivered our law and scripture, but since John, the good news of God has been preached openly, and everyone is coming in.

16:17. It is easier for the entire world to disappear than for the Law to change.

16:18. Anyone who gets divorced, or marries someone who is divorced, is guilty of adultery.

16:19-21. There was a beggar named Lazarus who lived outside of the gate of a rich person. They both eventually died.

16:22-24. In the afterlife, the rich person was burning in flames, and saw Lazarus standing by Abraham. The rich person asked Abraham to send Lazarus to fetch some water to help with the flames.

16:25-26. Abraham said, "In your lifetime, you received good things, and Lazarus received bad. But here it is the opposite. Besides, there is an abyss between us which no one can cross."

16:27-28. "Fine," the rich person said, "At least send Lazarus to my family, and let him warn of the dangers and torment of here."

16:29. Abraham said, "Moses and the Prophets have already warned them."

16:30. "No," they said, "But if someone who is dead goes, they'll surely understand."

16:31. "If they don't listen to Moses and the prophets, there is nothing that will get them to understand."

17:1-3. Jesus said, "Bad things are bound to happen to people, but if YOU are one of those bad things that happen to someone, you're fucked up. Watch yourself.

17:4. If your sibling fucks up, call them out, but if they apologize and change their ways, forgive them. Even if they fuck up 7 times in one day, you must forgive them."

17:5. His students said, "Yeah, keep going!"

17:6. Jesus said, "If you have faith as small as a seed, you can tell a tree to get up and move to the ocean, and it will listen to you."

17:7-10. "Don't expect a reward for doing good things for others. It's your job."

17:11-13. Jesus kept traveling, and ran into 10 people who had leprosy. They called out to Jesus.

17:14. He told them to go visit the priests. They were all healed.

17:15-16. One of them came back to Jesus and started thanking him.

17:17-19. Jesus said, "Weren't all ten of you healed? Where are the rest of you? No one wanted to praise God except you? Either way, you did a good job."

17:20-21. One time, the religious leaders asked Jesus about when the Kingdom of Heaven would come. He said, "The coming of the kingdom is not something that can be observed. It is not "here" or "there", but is already among you."

17:22-25. Then he said, "There is a day coming when you will wish to see me. People will claim to see me- but don't listen to them. I will be like lightning- flashing from one end of the sky to another.
But first, I must suffer.

17:26-30. Just like Noah suffered through the flood, and Lot suffered through Sodom, it will happen to us.

17:31-37. Keep an eye out- and when things go down, don't go back for anything and move forward, or else you'll be left behind. Only vultures go towards dead things."

18:1-8. Jesus said, "There was an old person who kept going to the police station to make a report about a stalker, but the police never listened or did anything. Finally, the old person was so annoying and threatening, the police had to listen. God will be at least as good as this and make sure you find justice. Never give up and have faith."

18:9-14. Jesus said, "A religious person and a tax collector went to pray.
The religious person said, ‘Thank God I'm not like those other losers. I do everything I'm supposed to and know it.'
The tax collector said, ‘God, please have mercy on me, a loser.'
Only one of these two did the right thing."

18:15-17. People were bringing children to Jesus for him to heal, and the disciples started telling people no. But Jesus set them straight. He said, "The kingdom of God belongs to children. Anyone who cannot perceive heaven like a child will not be able to enter it."

18:18. Someone asked, "Good teacher, what must I do to get eternal life?"

18:19-20. Jesus said, "First off, only God is good. Second, you already know the rules. Don't cheat, don't murder, don't steal, don't lie, and respect your parents."

18:21. "But I do all this stuff," the person said.

18:22. Jesus said, "Fine, then sell everything you have and give it to the poor. Then come with me."

18:23. The person didn't want to give up their money.

18:24-25. Jesus said, "Damn straight. It's easier for a camel to go through a needle than for a rich person to enter heaven."

18:26. The crowd said, "Who is able to, then?"

18:27. Jesus said, "What humans can't do, God can."

18:28. Peter said, "We left behind everything in order to follow you!"

18:29-30. "Yeah, and you did good. Everyone who leaves behind their family or home will be rewarded."

18:31-34. Jesus told his 12 main students that they were going to Jerusalem where he would be turned over to the government to be killed and come back to life. They didn't really understand what he was talking about.

18:35-43. A blind man called out for Jesus' help and Jesus healed him.

19:1-10. They got to a town named Jericho. A man named Zacchaeus wanted to see Jesus. He was rich, but he was short. So he climbed a tree to see over the crowd. Jesus saw him, and told him to come down, asking to stay at his house. The people were surprised Jesus asked to stay with such a shitty person. But on the spot, Zacchaeus donated half his wealth to the poor, and paid back everyone he ever cheated four times the amount. Jesus was impressed.

19:11-27. Jesus told a parable. "A rich owner went on vacation and gave 10 of his managers some money to play around with and invest while he was gone.
When the owner got back, they asked the managers how much money they each had earned.
"I doubled it!" the first one said.
"I got one and a half times!" The second said.
The third admitted he was too scared to do anything with it, but here it was, no gains or losses.
The owner was upset, "You couldn't have even put it in a bank so that there'd be a little bit of interest? Give it to the first manager! Whoever has the most will be given more. Whoever has nothing- even that will be taken away."

19:28-40. As they were getting closer to Jerusalem, Jesus ordered two students to go steal a donkey. Jesus sat on it and began to ride towards town. Some people cheered about all the things he'd done, and others booed.

19:41-44. When Jesus saw the city, he prophesied about it's coming destruction.

19:45-46. Jesus got to the temple and started to throw out all the people buying and selling things in the sacred space.

19:47-48. Jesus spent day after day teaching at the temple. The government leaders kept trying to find a way to kill him, but they knew the people loved him too much.

20:1-2. One day while Jesus was teaching, cops came up to him and said, "Under whose authority do you teach these things?"

20:3-4. Jesus said, "I have a question for you, too. Remember John? Was his baptism legit or not?"

20:5-7. They murmured among themselves. They knew if they denied it, it would calling a beloved prophet a fraud, but if they admitted it was legitimate, that would mean they killed a prophet. So they said, "We don't know."

20:8. Jesus said, "Neither will I tell you where my authority comes from."

20:9-16. Jesus told a parable. "A landlord rented out several rooms. When time, they sent several letters asking for rent, but there was no reply. So they sent their assistant to collect personally, but they were attacked. Clearly, those renters are going to be evicted."

20:17-18. Jesus said, "A misshapen stone makes a bad brick, but a neat art piece. Don't let it crush you."

20:19. The officials knew this was a veiled threat, but couldn't do anything because they were afraid of the people.

20:20-22. Still trying to trick him, they asked, "Should we pay taxes to Caesar?"

20:23-25. Jesus said, "Money has Caesar's picture on it, so it must be his. Feel free to give it back to him, but give to God what is God's.

20:26. This shut them up.

20:27-33. Some people who didn't believe in heaven asked, "Say someone's spouse died so they married again. Whose spouse would they be in heaven?"

20:34-36. Jesus said, "You won't be married to anyone in heaven.

20:37-38. Besides our God IS the God of Moses, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, not WAS the God of them. Clearly they're still alive.

20:39-40. Some liked this answer, and others stayed silent.

20:41-44. Jesus said, "It's said that the Messiah will be a Child of our ancestor David. Then why does David call Messiah ‘Lord' that one time?"

20:45-47. Jesus said, "Beware of overly religious people. They only care about showing off and status. They will be put into place."

21:1-4. Jesus saw some rich putting money into the offering box. He saw a poor person put in two pennies. He said, "This person put in more than all you others. You gave gifts from your wealth; they gave all they had to live on."

21:5-6. His students were admiring how beautifully built the temple was. Jesus said, "Don't get attached. The time will come when not one stone will be left standing."

21:7. His students asked, "When do you think this will happen? What will be the signs?"

21:8-11. Jesus said, "Don't be deceived. Many will come, pretending to be me. Don't follow them. Nation will fight against nation. Don't be afraid when you hear of wars. There will also be earthquakes, drought, and disease.

21:12-19. But first, you guys will be persecuted and arrested because of your association with me. Don't worry about what you're going to say, because I'll give you the wisdom you need. You will be betrayed by your family and friends, but not a hair on your head will be hurt. Stand brave, and you'll will true life."

21:20-24. When you see Jerusalem surrounded by armies, you'll know the time is coming. Flee to the mountains. Lots of pain will be coming. Jerusalem will be captured.

21:25-28. You'll see signs in the sun, moon, and stars. People will be terrified. But don't worry- I'll swoop in on a cloud. Then you'll know to keep your heads high.

21:29-31. Just like you know spring is here when leaves start to sprout, you'll know the end is near when these things happen.

21:32-33. I promise, it will happen before you guys here before me die. The world will be destroyed, but these words won't.

21:34-36. Be careful, or you'll turn into assholes, and will be screwed on this day. Everyone will face this day. Watch out, so you'll be able to escape and stand with me."

21:37-38. Jesus stayed and taught a long time.

22:1-2. As Passover got closer, the leaders looked harder to get rid of Jesus.

22:3-6. Satan possessed Judas, one of the 12 Apostles, and went to the leaders to see how he could help betray Jesus. They agreed to hand over money if he could hand over Jesus with no crowd present.

22:7-13. Passover arrived, and Jesus told Peter and John to go prepared dinner. They asked where, and Jesus told them they would encounter a willing random stranger who would have a perfect room. They left and ran into the stranger just like Jesus had predicted.

22:14-19. Dinnertime came. Jesus told them this would be his final dinner. He took a sip of wine and passed it around. He took a bite of a piece of bread and passed it around. He said, "Do this in remembrance of me."

22:20. Jesus said, "This cup represents the new covenant of my blood.

22:21-22. One of you here is going to betray me. I will go peacefully, but curse that person."

22:23-24. They started arguing among themselves about who it was. They also started arguing about who was the best.

22:25-31. Jesus said, "Rulers of this world oppress people and call it kindness. Don't be like that. The best among should be like the youngest. Someone who rules should be someone who serves. I am someone who has served. You have stood by me. And I pass onto you the kingdom that God passed to me.

22:31-32. Jesus said to Peter, "Satan is going test every one of you. But I have prayed for you. When you turn your back on me, at least strengthen your siblings."

22:33. Peter said, "But I'm ready to die for you!"

22:34. Jesus said, "I promise, you'll reject me three times before the rooster crows."

22:35. Jesus asked them all, "When I sent you off without any possessions at all, not even a bag or sandals, did you lack anything?"
"No," they said.

22:36-37. He said, "But now, if you have a wallet or purse, take it, and get a bookbag, too. If you don't have a sword, sell what you have to buy one. My time is coming."

22:38. One student held up two swords.
"Whoa okay showoff," Jesus said.

22:39-44. Jesus went out to the mountain, and his students followed him. He told them not to fall into temptation. He went off and prayed to God to make the things that were to happen not happen. An angel appeared and helped him cope, but he was already sweating and freaking out.

22:45-46. He got up from praying and found everyone else asleep. He told them not to be sleeping, and that they should be praying to avoid falling into temptation.

22:47-53. While he was still speaking, a crowd came up with Judas. Judas came up to him to kiss him. Jesus asked if he was going to betray him. His disciples drew their swords, and one cut off a guard's ear. But Jesus told them to knock it off and healed the ear. He turned to all the guards, "Did you really need to come with an army?" They captured Jesus and took him away.

22:54-56. Peter followed from a distance. He found a courtyard with a few people gathered around a fire. A little kid saw him and recognized him, and said, "This man was with Jesus."

22:57. Peter denied it, saying he didn't know Jesus at all.

22:58. But someone else spoke up, and Peter denied it again.

22:59-62. Later still someone else recognized him. He shouted, "I don't know what you're talking about!" Then he heard a rooster crow. Peter understood what Jesus had meant earlier, and ran away to cry by himself.

22:63-65. The ones guarding Jesus began mocking and beating him. "Stop hitting yourself!" they said.

22:66-67. In the morning, the council called him in front of them. "If you are the Messiah, tell us," they said.

22:68-69. Jesus said, "You won't believe me either way. But Messiah will sit with God."

22:70. "Are you the Child of God?"
Jesus said, "You say that I am."

22:71. They said, "What more do we need? He just told on himself."

23:1-2. They let him off to see Pontius Pilate, and said, "We have found this man trying to take over the nation. He opposes taxes and claims to be a king."

23:3. Pilate asked Jesus, "Are you the king of the Jewish people?"
Jesus said, "If that's what you say."

23:4. Pilate said, "Well shit, what's the issue?"

23:5. "He's causing rebellion with his teachings! He's traveled the whole country! He came here from Galilee."

23:6-7. Pilate asked if this was true. Jesus confirmed. Pilate knew this meant he was under King Herod's jurisdiction, so he sent him to Herod, who happened to also be in the city at the time.

23:8-12. Herod was pleased to see Jesus, mostly to see some kind of miracle. He asked a lot of questions, but Jesus didn't answer any of them. The religious leaders who brought him continued to throw accusations. Herod and his soldiers mocked him by dressing him in an elegant robe and sent him back to Pilate. Pilate and Herod became friends, even though they hated each other before this.

23:13-17. Pilate returned a verdict. He told the religious leaders that there were no charges from himself or Herod, so he would get a quick punishment and get released.

23:18-21. But the religious leaders asked to kill Jesus and release another prisoner instead.

23:22. Pilate asked again what crime Jesus had committed.

23:23-25. They just kept chanting "kill him", so Pilate gave into their demands. He released the other prisoner and arrested Jesus.

23:26-28. Jesus was led away, and a criminal was made to carry a cross behind Jesus. A large crowd followed him and cried. Jesus said, "Don't cry for me, cry for yourself and your children."

23:29. Jesus said, "You will soon respect women who don't have children."

23:30-31. Jesus said, "People don't have faith during the good times, how can they have faith during the bad?"

23:32-33. Two other criminals were brought out to be executed as well. They got to a place called The Skull, they crucified the three there, with Jesus in the middle.

23:34. Jesus said, "God, forgive them, because they don't know what they're doing." The soldiers gambled over his clothes.

23:35-38. People watched, and some of the leaders sarcastically said, "What? He can save others but can't save himself? So much for Messiah." Soldiers mocked him. They offered him vinegar to drink and hung a sign that said, "King of the Jewish People"

23:39. One of the criminals hanging next to Jesus said, "Aren't you the Messiah? Come on, save us!"

23:40-42. The other criminal said, "Don't be mean, we deserve this or our crimes. But Jesus is innocent and has done nothing wrong!" then he turned to Jesus, "Remember me, won't you?"

23:43. Jesus said, "Yes, of course."

23:44-46. At around noon, darkness came over the sky for three hours. Jesus called out, "God, into your hands, I commit my spirit," and breathed his last breath.

23:47. A solider saw this happen and knew Jesus was righteous.

23:48-49. The angry mob walked away, and his friends watched from a distance.

23:50-56. Joseph, a member of the council who disagreed with the decision, asked Pilate for Jesus' body. He wrapped it linen cloth and placed it in a tomb. His friends saw how the body was prepared and laid to rest. They went home to prepare for the funeral, but were sure not to work on the Sabbath day.

24:1-7. On the morning of the first day of the next week, Mary Magdelene, Joanna, and a few others went down to the tomb to prepare Jesus, but found the stone rolled away and the body missing. While they were freaking out trying to figure out what happened, two angels appeared. They bowed to the angels, and the angels said, "Why are you checking a grave for a living person? He is alive! Remember him saying he was going to come back from the dead?"

24:8. "Oh! That's what he meant!" They all said.

24:9-12. They went back to the (now) Eleven Apostles and told them what happened. They did not believe the story, because it sounded crazy. However Peter got up to go check, and saw the bandages Jesus was wrapped in by themselves.

24:13-24. Later that day, another two students were traveling, and Jesus appeared beside them, disguising himself as a stranger. He asked what they were talking about. Cleopas, one of the two, said, "Have you not heard? Jesus of Nazareth was a prophet chosen by God. The leaders killed him and we buried him, but some of our group found him missing and got a vision from angels saying he's still alive."

24:25-27. He said, "Have you not put it all together yet?" and explained everything to them without outing himself.

24:28-35. As they approached the village they asked Jesus to stay with them for the night. He joined them for dinner and broke the bread and prayed. This is when they recognized him. They immediately went back to Jerusalem where they told the 11 Apostles what had happened.

24:36-43. While they were telling the story, Jesus appeared before them all. They were startled, thinking they had seen a ghost. He held out his hands, "Touch me and see, I'm not a ghost." They still thought it was too good to be true. He asked if they had anything to eat and they gave him some fish.

24:44-49. He explained to them a whole bunch of scripture and how it all had to work with him dying first. He told them that they were going to be sent the rewards promised, and be sent out into the world to talk about the good news, but to stay in Jerusalem until they get the power from heaven.

24:50-53. Jesus led them to the city of Bethany, and raised up his hands to bless them. He started floating up in the sky and was taken into heaven. They worshipped for a while and returned to Jerusalem where they worshipped for a long time.