The Abridged Gospel of Peter

1:1. No one washed their hands, not Herod or any council member or judge. Since they didn't, Pilate stood up.

1:2. Herod told them to take Jesus away and start the process of crucifixion.

1:3-5. Joseph, a friend of both Pilate and Jesus, was standing there, knowing they were about to crucify him. He asked Pilate for the body, and Pilate asked Herod for the body. Herod said, "We were going to bury him anyway, but sure."

1:6-8. They took Jesus and dragged and pushed him through the streets. They gave him a purple robe, a crown of thorns, and mocked him, saying, "Make sure to judge correctly, o' King!"

1:9. They were spitting and slapping his face, and stabbing him with sticks, saying, "Letss make sure to honor the Child of God!"

1:10. They brough two criminals and crucified Jesus in the middle of them. Jesus was silent because it did not hurt him.

1:11. They set the cross upright and wrote, "King of Israel"

1:12. They divided up his clothes and gambled over them.

1:13. One of the criminals said, "We suffer because of what we've done, but what has the Savior done to you?"

1:14. They decided not to break Jesus' legs so that his death would take longer.

1:15. Around midday, it got dark, and everyone got super stressed, because it was law at the time to make sure people were killed before the sun went down.

1:16. Someone gave him vinegar and wine to drink.

1:17. They were bad people and treated him like a criminal.

1:18. Some people thought it was nighttime.

1:19. Jesus screamed, "God, you have abandoned me," and was taken up.

1:20. At the same time, the curtain at the temple was torn in two.

1:21. They took the nails out of Jesus' hands and placed him on the ground, and there was an earthquake.

1:22. The sun started to shine.

1:23. They celebrated and gave the body to Joseph.

1:24. Joseph washed the body and took it to a tomb in his garden.

1:25. The crowd who wanted him dead began to feel bad.

1:26-27. The 12 apostles went into hiding and starting crying and fasting.

1:28-30. They saw the signs that happened at his death and were fearful. They asked for soldiers to guard the tomb to make sure no one steals Jesus' body to make it look like he came back from the dead.

1:31-33. He sent the soldiers. They sealed the tomb with 7 wax seals, and camped out front.

1:34. A crowd of people came to see the tomb.

1:35-37. But the morning of the Sabbath, when the sun rose, there was a loud voice in heaven, and two angels descended. The stone in front of the tomb rolled off by itself, and both angels entered.

1:38-40. The soldiers went to go get their boss and the elders. While they were telling the story, three figures emerged from the tomb, two helping the others, with a cross following behind them. The heads of the two reached into the heaven, but the head of the one they were helping reached even further.

1:41. A voice from heaven said, "Have you told the message to the sleeping ones?"

1:42. The cross said, "Yes."

1:43. Everyone around started talking with themselves to discuss how they would even begin to explain this.

1:44. While they were talking it over, a man came from heaven and entered the tomb.

1:45. The guards and elders just left and told Pilate, "Surely he was the Child of God."

1:46. Pilate said, "I am clean of guilt, but you guys are not."

1:47-49. They begged Pilate to keep it all a secret together, because no one wanted to face the consequences of their actions, to get in trouble and die. So Pilate ordered everyone's silence.

1:50-52. On the Sabbath, Mary Magdelene and some other women went to the tomb to make sure Jesus was buried correctly and they were allowed to grieve correctly.

1:53-54. They were worried about being able to move the stone to see him, but knew they would just do it all outside if they couldn't get in.

1:55-56. But when they got there, the tomb was opened. There was an angel sitting there who told them Jesus has come back to life.

1:57. The women ran away scared.

1:58-59. The twelve disciples split and went home.

1:60. One day, I, Simon Peter, and my brother Andrew were fishing with Levi.