The Abridged

Apocalypse of John of Patmos


Disputedly by John of Patmos
Written betwen 94CE-96CE
Set in 95CE
Text Fully Preserved
Also known as: Apocalypse of John


The infamous book which describes the chaotic end of the world.

Revelation

Summary

An angel appeared to John and started to deliver a message. John starts criticizing churches of the time.

John is transported to heaven and sees the throne of God, some elders, and some angels. Jesus comes into the picture and takes a scroll from God. Jesus starts ripping seals off the scrolls, the four horsemen escape. He gets the first 6 of 7 and the world starts being destroyed. An angel marks all the good folks in the world.

The 7th seal releases 7 trumpets, which are far fucking worse than the seals, it just starts annihilating the earth. The fifth trumpet releases killer bug warrior things that kill a bunch of people, and the 6th trumpet starts to unleash a torrent of fuckery. A giant angel appears and John gets some instructions. The 7th trumpet sounds.

A nice pregnant lady appears, and a dragon starts chasing her. The dragon gets some friends and starts fucking up the world. Jesus kills everyone, then the 7 plagues start to happen.

The figure of Babylon is introduced, and then shown dead. Then Jesus locks up the beast for 1000 years and reigns peacefully- but it's supposed to come back. John gets a vision of a new heaven & new earth.

Part 1: Intro & Criticisms

An angel appeared to John and started to deliver a message. John starts criticizing churches of the time.

Revelation, Ch 1

Chapter 1

John starts writing a letter to some churches, and tells them he got a message from God.

1:1-2. Jesus Christ told me this shit.

1:1. The Revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave unto him, to shew unto his servants things which must shortly come to pass; and he sent and signified it by his angel unto his servant John:
1:2. Who bare record of the word of God, and of the testimony of Jesus Christ, and of all things that he saw.

1:3. This shit is about to go down, you're lucky you get to watch

1:3. Blessed is he that readeth, and they that hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written therein: for the time is at hand.

1:4-7. Hey churches, listen up, I'm talking on behalf of Jesus, he's on his way!

1:4. John to the seven churches which are in Asia: Grace be unto you, and peace, from him which is, and which was, and which is to come; and from the seven Spirits which are before his throne;
1:5. And from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, and the first begotten of the dead, and the prince of the kings of the earth. Unto him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood,
1:6. And hath made us kings and priests unto God and his Father; to him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen.
1:7. Behold, he cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see him, and they also which pierced him: and all kindreds of the earth shall wail because of him. Even so, Amen.

1:8. "That's me, born first and will die last," says God.

1:8. I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, saith the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty.

1:9-11. So I was just minding my own business, right?
When a voice in the sky told me to write to you.

1:9. I John, who also am your brother, and companion in tribulation, and in the kingdom and patience of Jesus Christ, was in the isle that is called Patmos, for the word of God, and for the testimony of Jesus Christ.
1:10. I was in the Spirit on the Lord's day, and heard behind me a great voice, as of a trumpet,
1:11. Saying, I am Alpha and Omega, the first and the last: and, What thou seest, write in a book, and send it unto the seven churches which are in Asia; unto Ephesus, and unto Smyrna, and unto Pergamos, and unto Thyatira, and unto Sardis, and unto Philadelphia, and unto Laodicea.

1:12-16. I looked to see who it was, and they looked fucking nuts- white hair, eyes on fire, golden sash. He had stars in his hands and a sword in his mouth and was shining like the sun.

1:12. And I turned to see the voice that spake with me. And being turned, I saw seven golden candlesticks;
1:13. And in the midst of the seven candlesticks one like unto the Son of man, clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle.
1:14. His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire;
1:15. And his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace; and his voice as the sound of many waters.
1:16. And he had in his right hand seven stars: and out of his mouth went a sharp twoedged sword: and his countenance was as the sun shineth in his strength.

1:17-20. "It's just me," the voice said, "but be sure to capture all this."

1:17. And when I saw him, I fell at his feet as dead. And he laid his right hand upon me, saying unto me, Fear not; I am the first and the last:
1:18. I am he that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and of death.
1:19. Write the things which thou hast seen, and the things which are, and the things which shall be hereafter;
1:20. The mystery of the seven stars which thou sawest in my right hand, and the seven golden candlesticks. The seven stars are the angels of the seven churches: and the seven candlesticks which thou sawest are the seven churches.
Revelation, Ch 2

Chapter 2

John criticizes churches in the letter.

The 1st Church (Ephesus)

2:1. Hey, you, the first church.

2:1. Unto the angel of the church of Ephesus write; These things saith he that holdeth the seven stars in his right hand, who walketh in the midst of the seven golden candlesticks;

2:2-3. Good job. You guys work hard and don't believe stupid shit.

2:2. I know thy works, and thy labour, and thy patience, and how thou canst not bear them which are evil: and thou hast tried them which say they are apostles, and are not, and hast found them liars:
2:3. And hast borne, and hast patience, and for my name's sake hast laboured, and hast not fainted.

2:4. But you all are letting the love slip.

2:4. Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love.

2:5. Just think about how bad you fucked up. Best apologize.

2:5. Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent.

2:6. You're lucky we both hate those one bastards, the Nicolaitans.

2:6. But this thou hast, that thou hatest the deeds of the Nicolaitanes, which I also hate.

2:7. If you're wise, listen up. This might help you meet Jesus.

2:7. He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the tree of life, which is in the midst of the paradise of God.

The 2nd Church (Smyrna)

2:8. Alright, onto the second church.

2:8. And unto the angel of the church in Smyrna write; These things saith the first and the last, which was dead, and is alive;

2:9. I know you're poor, and I know people are attacking you,

2:9. I know thy works, and tribulation, and poverty, (but thou art rich) and I know the blasphemy of them which say they are Jews, and are not, but are the synagogue of Satan.

2:10. But hold tight, even to death, and I'll get your back.

2:10. Fear none of those things which thou shalt suffer: behold, the devil shall cast some of you into prison, that ye may be tried; and ye shall have tribulation ten days: be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life.

2:11. If you're wise, listen up. The second death can't hurt you.

2:11. He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; He that overcometh shall not be hurt of the second death.

The 3rd Church (Pergamos)

2:12. And to the third church-

2:12. And to the angel of the church in Pergamos write; These things saith he which hath the sharp sword with two edges;

2:13. I know you live in Satan's living room, but you've held tight in your faith

2:13. I know thy works, and where thou dwellest, even where Satan's seat is: and thou holdest fast my name, and hast not denied my faith, even in those days wherein Antipas was my faithful martyr, who was slain among you, where Satan dwelleth.

2:14. But you guys are teaching some weird shit,

2:14. But I have a few things against thee, because thou hast there them that hold the doctrine of Balaam, who taught Balac to cast a stumblingblock before the children of Israel, to eat things sacrificed unto idols, and to commit fornication.

2:15. and you like the Nicolaitans.

2:15. So hast thou also them that hold the doctrine of the Nicolaitanes, which thing I hate.

2:16. Bad look, best apologize before I come tear you a new one,

2:16. Repent; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will fight against them with the sword of my mouth.

2:17. If you're wise, listen up. You can drink my secret juice and get a new little name tag with a new name.

2:17. He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the hidden manna, and will give him a white stone, and in the stone a new name written, which no man knoweth saving he that receiveth it.

The 4th Church (Thyatira)

2:18. To the fourth-

2:18. And unto the angel of the church in Thyatira write; These things saith the Son of God, who hath his eyes like unto a flame of fire, and his feet are like fine brass;

2:19. You guys are just doing so good!

2:19. I know thy works, and charity, and service, and faith, and thy patience, and thy works; and the last to be more than the first.

2:20. But you listen to this woman teacher.

2:20. Notwithstanding I have a few things against thee, because thou sufferest that woman Jezebel, which calleth herself a prophetess, to teach and to seduce my servants to commit fornication, and to eat things sacrificed unto idols.

2:21. She won't apologize.

2:21. And I gave her space to repent of her fornication; and she repented not.

2:22. So I'm going to fuck her up, and anyone who sleeps with her up.

2:22. Behold, I will cast her into a bed, and them that commit adultery with her into great tribulation, except they repent of their deeds.

2:23.  I'm going to fucking kill her children. Then you'll know.

2:23. And I will kill her children with death; and all the churches shall know that I am he which searcheth the reins and hearts: and I will give unto every one of you according to your works.

2:24-25. Everyone else, hold tight.

2:25. But that which ye have already hold fast till I come.
2:24. But unto you I say, and unto the rest in Thyatira, as many as have not this doctrine, and which have not known the depths of Satan, as they speak; I will put upon you none other burden.

2:26. If you do God's will until the end- you will get authority over the nations.

2:26. And he that overcometh, and keepeth my works unto the end, to him will I give power over the nations:

2:27. Just like this- like I'm doing now.

2:27. And he shall rule them with a rod of iron; as the vessels of a potter shall they be broken to shivers: even as I received of my Father.

2:28. You will get the power of the brightest star.

2:28. And I will give him the morning star.

2:29. If you're wise, listen up.

2:29. He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches.
Revelation, Ch 3

Chapter 3

And keeps going.

The 5th Church (Sardis)

3:1-2. To the fifth church: You're good, but live a little.

3:1. And unto the angel of the church in Sardis write; These things saith he that hath the seven Spirits of God, and the seven stars; I know thy works, that thou hast a name that thou livest, and art dead.
3:2. Be watchful, and strengthen the things which remain, that are ready to die: for I have not found thy works perfect before God.

3:3. Or else I'm going to sneak up and scare you.

3:3. Remember therefore how thou hast received and heard, and hold fast, and repent. If therefore thou shalt not watch, I will come on thee as a thief, and thou shalt not know what hour I will come upon thee.

3:4. Yeah, some of you are cool and already got your cool clothes.

3:4. Thou hast a few names even in Sardis which have not defiled their garments; and they shall walk with me in white: for they are worthy.

3:5. And all the other cool folks will get cool clothes too, and get to live forever.

3:5. He that overcometh, the same shall be clothed in white raiment; and I will not blot out his name out of the book of life, but I will confess his name before my Father, and before his angels.

3:6. If you're wise, listen up.

3:6. He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches.

The 6th Church (Philadelphia)

3:7-8. To the sixth: Look- there's a magic door. With some words or something.

3:7. And to the angel of the church in Philadelphia write; These things saith he that is holy, he that is true, he that hath the key of David, he that openeth, and no man shutteth; and shutteth, and no man openeth;
3:8. I know thy works: behold, I have set before thee an open door, and no man can shut it: for thou hast a little strength, and hast kept my word, and hast not denied my name.

3:9. Don't worry- the world will know truth.

3:9. Behold, I will make them of the synagogue of Satan, which say they are Jews, and are not, but do lie; behold, I will make them to come and worship before thy feet, and to know that I have loved thee.

3:10. Since you were so patient, you'll already know truth.

3:10. Because thou hast kept the word of my patience, I also will keep thee from the hour of temptation, which shall come upon all the world, to try them that dwell upon the earth.

3:11-12. Don't forget where you came from. God will help you.

3:11. Behold, I come quickly: hold that fast which thou hast, that no man take thy crown.
3:12. Him that overcometh will I make a pillar in the temple of my God, and he shall go no more out: and I will write upon him the name of my God, and the name of the city of my God, which is new Jerusalem, which cometh down out of heaven from my God: and I will write upon him my new name.

3:13. If you're wise, listen up.

3:13. He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches.